Out in the corridor, Jack corners Danny to tell him he knows about his affair with Lemon. Seeing that Danny isn't at all contrite, Jack pulls out the big guns. He lies through his teeth that Danny must end the relationship because he, Jack, is actually in love with Lemon. He talks about how he has loved Lemon from the moment he laid eyes on her, how he "ache[s] for her sexually" -- her mud-colored eyes, hyena-like laugh, her splay-footed walk, etc. It goes without saying Lemon is in the background doing everything possible to prove how unsexy she is and make it that much harder for Jack to contrive things he could possibly love about her. As he reaches the climax of his distant serenade, he and Danny both get a glimpse of Tom Selleck. Jack must turn aside and gasp, "Good God, Lemon!" But Danny doesn't notice. He takes Jack's words at face value and promises to end things with Lemon, stat. I'm sure Tom had absolutely no bearing on that decision at all...

On the Gossip Girl set, Jenna acts her aged ass off as the mother who dies of old age... at 41. Her character chronicles all the things she's seen in her full life: The first Clinton administration, the Nagano Olympics, Microsoft Windows 95... The scene wraps. The crew gives Jenna a hearty round of applause, and she realizes old age can't be that bad if it means being the center of attention.

That night at the after party, Lemon and her newly waxed lip confront Jack about pulling such a low blow to secure Danny as his wing man. Lemon sarcastically asks Jack what he told Danny he loved about her. Was it her bangin' body? Her freaky deaky dance moves? Jack walks away as Lemon booty bumps, rump shakes, and does that wacky knee jerk move that everyone used to do in the '90s. Perhaps Jenna's character saw that one in her long, full life, too! The end.

Bonus! Lutz dances. It is beyond words. Not even the mountain of jokes to follow can justify its insanity. Just watch. And then read the jokes anyway!

Would That Be a Whittlodontist?
Kenneth: Good show tonight, Mr. Jordan.
Tracy: Hey Kenneth, why aren't your teeth glowing in the black light?
Kenneth: You'll have to ask the fella who whittled 'em for me!