Jack thinks he has found his magic bullet -- the man through whom he can vanquish Representative Regina Bookman and, thus, facilitate the Kabletown merger -- in Rhode Island Congressional candidate Steven "Steve" Austin (John Slattery), whose primary platforms include dressing like a baby (symbolizing hope!) and tricking blind people into confusing him with Steve Austin the wrestler. When Steve turns out to be a Libertarian nut job prone to jabbering about alien casinos and proposing new national anthems largely composed of the words "Ooga booga," Jack's plan inevitably falls apart.
Meanwhile, Tracy is riding a wave of Oscar momentum for his film Hard To Watch. He asks Jenna for advice on how to secure a Golden Globe, and naturally she undermines him at every opportunity. She suggests he throw a party for the members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association that showcases a salsa-filled piñata, Kenneth as a human sushi platter, and bribes as far as the eye can see. Her well-laid plans go to pot when she actually watches Tracy's movie and is so moved by his performance that she feels compelled to confess her sabotage plans and encourage Tracy to go forth and win that Oscar. May the EGOT be with him.
And finally Lemon finds the perfect pair of jeans. We're talking Lemon ass all up in here y'all. She parades around 30 Rock full of liberal pride because the label on her jeans reads, "Hand-Made in Usa." Eventually Jack informs Lemon that these supposedly fair-trade jeans are just as outsourced as your average dollar store product and are made by the Hand tribe (pronounce "Hahnd") not in the U-S-A but in the slave colony of Usa (pronounced "Ooh-suh"). He also takes the opportunity to debunk all her delusions about the liberal agenda by telling her that, in essence, everything comes down to Halliburton. With that, Lemon bids goodbye to her liberal idealism and her beautifully sculpted caboose. Though the idealism goes first, because she's got a Skype dance party date with Carol that night, and a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
Somewhere in New York, Jenna waits while Lemon tries on a pair of jeans, possibly her least favorite activity. She snarks, "Maybe after this, I can get a pap smear from an old male doctor." Jenna insists that they're at a hip new store, explaining that the strait jackets all around are a nod to the fact that the store used to be home to a mental institution. Lemon emerges from the changing room and warily shows off her be-denimed behind. Jenna tells Lemon she looks amazing, and we're treated to some waist-down shots (presumably not of Tina Fey) dancing around and posing to show off her cute new heiny. Jenna tells Lemon she's living the dream -- "boy on the bottom, girl on the top" -- and a flamboyant sales person chimes in, "O-M-God, those jeans are 'zing." Jenna clarifies that "zing" is short for amazing... or a club drug made from tooth whiteners -- "either way, you win." Lemon opts to wear these jeans out and buy 10 additional pairs for good measure, then bids the sales boy to burn the jeans she wore to the store. Credits.
Jack's office. Jonathan comes in explaining that he was late for work because he was attacked in his apartment, but Jack can't be bothered to sympathize because MSNBC is airing a segment about Rhode Island Congresswoman Regina Bookman's opposition to the Kabletown merger. Jack can't believe that Rep. Bookman has broken her promise to refrain against railing against NBC for three months so Jack can have a chance to diversify the corporation. Jonathan consoles, "It's not your fault nobody watched America's Next Top Black Guy!" Jack turns his attention back to the newscast where David Gregory says Rep. Bookman's re-election is being challenged by a nobody named Steven Austin, and the two candidates are in a dead heat. Jack suddenly sees his chance to eliminate one of his many life problems and orders Jonathan to get Steven Austin into his office post-haste.
Downstairs, Lemon shows off her sassy assy new jeans to all the ladies on staff at TGS. "They're from Brooklyn Without Limits," she tells them. "It's this very cool store with locations in Gay Town, White Harlem, and the Beardswick section of Brooklyn." Lemon, who is wearing a BWL T-shirt, sings the praises of the company, which promotes a green, American-made, fair trade ethic. Jenna's pride stems from a different place: "Now we both have cute butts!"
Tracy interrupts to have a word with Jenna in his dressing room. He mentions that his film Hard To Watch is garnering Oscar buzz. She says she knows because she talked about it with her therapist for 20 hours the week prior. He says he knows his rising star must be hard on her, but she assures him she has many things going on in her life, including a titillating exercise video called Jenna Gets Hard. Tracy asks for her help: Some members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association are visiting soon to do an article about him. Jenna perks up at the mention of the organization that administers the Golden Globes. She advises him to have a luncheon screening for the HFPA members, then adds, rubbing her fingers together, "and when the time is right..." Tracy responds conspiratorially, "Be bad at snapping? Got it!" She tells him she means for him to bribe the voters because a Golden Globe is a stepping stone to an Oscar. Tracy admits he's no expert at morality but still wonders if that's wrong. Then they share a belly laugh over the fact that either of them is involved in a conversation about morality at all.
Upstairs, Jack meets the man that would take down Regina Bookman -- Steven Austin (John Slattery). He's a scrappy looking guy in a khaki baseball cap, a plaid shirt, and a down vest. He shamelessly tells Jack that he calls himself Steve Austin in an attempt to confuse voters who might be more prone to vote for the wrestler of the same name. Jack says his only reservation with Steve's campaign is the fact that Steve is not affiliated with the Republican party. Steve, with his thick New England accent, tells Jack that the party system is broken and that people are looking for a renaissance in politics. Jack likes what he's hearing, then Steve drops the first of many hints that he's an outright nutter when he brings out a pacifier emblazoned with his campaign logo and tells Jack, "Goo-goo gah-gah." He takes the rebirth theme quite literally, it turns out, and has put together several commercials in which he's dressed as a baby -- diaper, huge hat, and all. We see one of these commercials, which he wraps up with, "Vote Steve Austin. And if you're blind, I am the wrestler!" Jack tells Steve that he need only answer a few questions correctly to gain Jack's support. Steve answers correctly for the first few words or so, then proves again that he's an all too literal nut job. It's no matter to Jack, though, because at the end of the day Steve Austin is not Regina Bookman, and he won't mess with the Kabletown merger. Jack promises to throw a fundraiser for Steve in two days, and with that we have an endorsement!
Downstairs, Jenna, Tracy, and Kenneth are in Tracy's dressing room preparing for Tracy's HFPA luncheon. As Tracy glugs salsa into piñatas and Jenna readies streamers, Kenneth practices lying perfectly still for his role as human sushi platter. It reminds him of his childhood and "hiding under the porch during a hill people rampage," he tells Lemon. Tracy then assures her that Kenneth will be quieter during the actual luncheon because his mouth will be stuffed with wasabi. Jenna runs off to fill up a chafing dish with her underwear -- "in case some Saudi guys show up" -- so Lemon follows her outside to determine why exactly Jenna, perhaps the most jealous person in the world, would help anyone else achieve success. Jenna confides in Lemon that she's sabotaging Tracy, telling her about the bribery idea and how it will scuttle Tracy's career. Lemon is utterly disappointed, but Jenna insists Lemon should be most disappointed in her.
A bit later, Jack heads to Lemon's office to introduce her to Steve Austin. He momentarily doesn't recognize her because her back's turned, and she's wearing the jeans that make her (and her ass) "look like a Mexican sports reporter." Ogling out of the way, Lemon says that Steve Austin looks familiar to her. He gives her his campaign spiel, and she realizes that she received one of his campaign ads that went viral. Cut to the ad, in which Steve pops out of a woman's legs, screaming, "The rebirth of America starts now. Waaaaaaah!" Then he pulls out a shotgun and cocks it, saying, "My name is Steve Austin. And if you're senile, yes I am The Six Million Dollar Man." And where did Steve get the money to fund all these top-notch commercials? From the broken vending machine at the paintball place he owns. Nice.
Jack tells Lemon about the fundraiser and tasks her with creating a biographical video on Steve. Suddenly Steve remembers that he has a delivery schedule and won't be home to pick it up, since his wife left him for his twin brother, so he needs to make a call. He asks to use Lemon's phone since he has no cell phone, which he claims is a government tracking device.
Lemon takes Jack outside to ask him why he's throwing his support behind someone who is clearly wackadoo. Jack tells him the Bookman quandary, and Lemon expresses her disappointment that he's sacrificing the good of the country for his own political objectives. She rues that everyone has lost their moral compass. Jack reminds her the stakes for the Kabletown merger and shoots back, "You're being awfully high and mighty for someone who once claimed her husband drowned so she could get out of a gym contract." Jack reminds Lemon that she's part of the big business machine, too, but she insists that her freelance position at NBC -- not to mention her commitment to quality, handmade local clothing -- makes her like a modern cowboy. She takes leave of this conversation, letting Jack watcher her booty swagger as she walks away. Jack looks back to Lemon's office and overhears Steve telling the deliveryman, "Yea