30 Rock

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"I Ate My Father-Pig!"

That night, Donald welcomes Jack to his restaurant. He has thoughtfully named it Staples because they offer "the basics... food, drinks, fun." Jack informs him Staples is the name of a giant office supply chain. Donald replies confidently, "Well, we'll see who's still in business 200 years from now." Jack surveys the restaurant and tells Donald he's going to pick a problem at random. He asks if the theme of the restaurant is "not enough tables." Donald explains that they need room for the monster fights. He has modeled his restaurant after Medieval Times, only instead of jousting knights, he offers scraps between unlicensed versions of iconic Japanese monsters. With that, Donald takes the stage to introduce the first fight of the night, between Godzila ("with one 'l' for trademark reasons") and Mecha-Godzila. Godzila knocks over two of the patrons' table, which I'm guessing is not good business practice, but Donald is too swept up in his unlicensed monster fight to care. He runs smiling back to Jack and keeps his hyper-enthusiasm even as Mecha-Godzila (a.k.a. George) punches Godzila in the nuts, and the actor under the suit cries out for help.

Back at 30 Rock, Kenneth delivers a message from Carol (a.k.a. Captain Burnet), who claims not to have cell phone service during his layover in Daytona with his flight crew: Stewart, Brenda, Amber and Crystal. Adds Kenneth, "Also, in the background I heard lady giggles and the sound of a beautiful sunset." Lying down on the couch, Lemon says this is exactly why she needs to find someone to talk to. Kenneth asks what she needs to talk about. She says sometimes she feels men aren't completely honest with her. Kenneth adopts an attentive mien, sits down in a chair across from her, and tells her to go on. She says all her high school boyfriends turned out to be gay or "a girl dressed as a guy to get a journalism scholarship." She mentions her dad's attempted gentleman's intermission and how it affected her ideas about marriage.

"Then of course," she says bitterly, "there's Santa Claus." Kenneth tells her to talk about that. She tells him she didn't get the CB radio she asked for when she was seven years old, and her dad blamed Santa. Flash back to the next year, when she tracked down the Santa at the Schuylkill Galleria. A young, Hamill-haired Lemon calls Santa a fat fraud, so he rips off his beard and agrees with the "little boy" (Lemon) that he is a fraud. "I guess Santa Claus was the first man to ever betray me," she says tearfully. Kenneth hands her a tissue, and she admits that it's good to talk about this stuff. He tells her placidly, "There's a reason God gave us two ears and a mouth -- listening is twice as important as talking." Then a strange realization washes over Kenneth's face as he says, "But he gave us 10 fingers. He must really want us to poke things!" He runs out, jabbing everything and everyone in sight along the way.

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30 Rock

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