Meanwhile, Tracy -- who has added to his outfit an oversized nameplate necklace that reads "POVERTY" -- introduces the film to the ladies of the battered women's shelter: "You're about to watch a film that holds a mirror up to your own terrible lives. You're going to see poverty, drug abuse, and a bunch of babies having a hammer fight in a dumpster." Even as he speaks, Tracy hears the echo of Kenneth's advice. He turns to Dot Com, who reminds Tracy that Kenneth rode to the shelter with them. Tracy realizes that laughter is the best medicine, tears off his beret, and decides to screen Chunks 2: A Very Chunky Christmas after all. The audience is immediately in hysterics, and Kenneth gives Tracy the thumbs-up.
Back at the Christmas Attack Zone, Lemon is attempting to escape when Colleen staggers into the room complaining of numbness in her left arm. Jack tells everyone to ignore her, but they all run over. Avery bombards her with a series of questions, explaining that she knows her way around a heart attack after a few rich men died on top of her. Colleen keeps up the theatrics, saying it "feels like my son, sitting on top of my chest." Avery starts to call an ambulance, but Jack snatches the phone away and say Colleen is just acting. When everyone's back is turned, she winks at him. They turn back around, and she drops to the ground. Milton insists they call for help, saying, "Listen to me damn it, I'm a doctor." Jack spits back, "Of history! In what emergency would you be necessary? If someone wanted to know whether the '60s were awesome or not?" Avery tells Colleen she has to hang in there so she can meet their daughter, Little Colleen. Jack knows he's done for when Colleen announces feebly that it seems like people are back on her side.
Paul knocks on Jenna's apartment door, warning her he's not there to get back together. She invites him in and offers the usual niceties -- a cup of coffee or an absinthe enema. He says he's only come because he thought of a brilliant New Queer's Eve costume. They decide to say their ideas in unison. Amazingly, they both thought of "Two Black Swans" theme, with Paul dressing up as Natalie Portman in the movie Black Swan and Jenna dressing up as former Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver and Pennsylvania gubernatorial nominee Lynn Swann.
Hospital. Milton declares it a Druid Solstice miracle that Colleen didn't have a heart attack. Avery says the night transpired as it did because they were all keeping secrets. She demands total honesty from here on. Lemon volunteers first, confessing she has a crush on The Mentalist. Avery reveals she and Jack have been keeping another secret. They were planning to elope in the Caribbean over New Year's. She extends an invitation to everyone. Lemon interrupts the joyful family moment to announce that she's learned a lesson: No one can escape the horror of Christmas. She decides that she might as well endure it with her own family and says she's going to catch a bus. If she's lucky, she'll get there "just in time for Aunt Linda to try to prove that she's sober by holding someone's baby while cooking." Colleen steers things back on track, telling Jack she's done everything to protect him. Milton angrily says Jack owes Colleen an apology. Colleen lays it on thick, saying, "I almost died!" She says Jack disrespected his parents by pitting Milton against her. Milton says he's disappointed in Jack. Amidst all this ganging up, a sly smile creeps across Jack's face. For the first time, he's having a real family Christmas. To mark the occasion, he unleashes: "Milton, the Clinton boom years were just an after-effect of Reaganomics. And, Mother, you cannot invite anyone to the wedding."