Lemon: "Are you drunk?"
Jenna: "On The Spirit of Christmas. It's this cheap high-proof brandy I bought."
Leasing Guilt Away.
Lemon: "Dear Santa, my name is Chanel Jenkins. I would like some new shoes so I can walk to school. My dream is to be a doctor someday..."
Tracy: [crying] "That kid's never going to be a doctor. I better buy her a jet ski."
Long Answer Short.
Lemon: "Hey Toofer, can I buy a kid FUBU? Is that a swear word?"
Toofer: "Okay, while FUBU is not itself profane, I do think that..."
Lemon: "Thank you!"
Jack: "Some quack doctor recommended she be around family."
You're Sure About That?
Jack: "If you need something just call down to the doorman. Yes he does speak English, mother. Jamaican people speak English."
Solid News for the Sheinhardt Co.
Jack: "It's just me and Colleen all alone. Lemon, one of her suitcases was just wigs."
Your Joan Rivers Probably Sounds Like Keanu.
Lemon: "Yeah sure, I'll entertain her. You know I was just thinking in the shower this morning, what if Saint Nick was Nic Cage? Cause it might go ... a little something ... like this."
Jack: [leaving] "Toofer! Toofer my man. How's tricks?"
Lemon: [as Nic Cage] "Ho ho ho! No that sounds more like Joan Rivers."
Jenna: [shopping with Liz] "Hey, are you almost done? We need to get out of here BEFORE SOMEONE RECOGNIZES ME!"
Rap Must Have Replaced Pool Halls as a Stereotype.
Lemon: "I have a new family, the Glovers! And I am going to get them all these rapping Santas. [Picking up a Santa as it sings a carol.] Well I kind of assumed they would rap, which is kind of racist on my part, but still, best Christmas ever! You're welcome, Glovers."
Alec, Try to Say "And One by the Toilet" Like You're Playing Poker with James Bond.
Colleen: "I need my other bell."
Jack: "We agreed one by the bed [pause] and one by the toilet."
Hornberger: "Holy Buddha who likes Christmas?"
P.O.T.U.S. is Priority One. Repeat. Priority One.
Tracy: "I will not let you go into that neighborhood alone. In the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo..."
Tracy: "And Shalam-shazam to you too my sista. We'll go with you uptown and remember, DotCom, you are there to protect me and not Liz Lemon.