Jack: How did you even get a snowball?
Lemon: Philly rules! Cheese steaks! Bobby Clark! Will Smith! Your town sucks!
Jack: You do not want this argument, Lemon. Boston is the greatest city in the world. Boston Tea Party. Boston Cream Pie. Boston Rob Mariano. Birthplace of Benjamin Franklin.
Lemon: Yeah, then he looked around, realized it sucked, and moved to Philadelphia!
Jack throws something at Lemon.
Lemon: Ugh, did you just whip a battery at me?
L.A. Executive: Mr. Donaghy, I'm sorry, can we get back to the meeting?
Jack: Of course. My apologies to our friends from the great city of... [chuckles] Los Angeles.
Everyone laughs at L.A.
L.A. Executive: Hey, stop laughing! L.A. rules. Michael Bay. Freeways. Legoland.
Jack clicks off TV.
Master of the Universe, Indeed
Jack: Before I take your questions, I'd like to say a few words about Don Geiss. The world has lost a giant. He built GE into the greatest company on Earth, and the Earth into one of the top three planets in the universe. For those of you wishing to pay your respects, there will be an Episcopal cryogenic freezing service open to all Six Sigma Black Belts and higher.
Tracy: That's the craziest thing I ever heard -- Episcopal!
Jenna: So how was your second date with Wesley?
Lemon: You know that scene in Notting Hill where they have the romantic date in the garden?
Lemon: Well I would have rather watched that terrible movie five times than hung out with Wesley.
The Reverse Tiger
Jack: We have a Tracy problem.
Lemon: Okay. Escaped exotic animal, or did he swallow another firecracker?
Tracy: I wish! Our old nanny wrote a tell-all book about me.
Lemon: Oh no!
Tracy: It's bad. I just got the call from a friend at Little Brown.
Lemon: The publishing house?
Tracy: No, the premiere talent agency for black dwarves.
Jack: Tracy, we need to start doing damage control on this, what does she reveal in the book?
Tracy: Everything! My addiction to prescription glasses. My Attention Deficit Disor-- Jack, your shoes are shiny! And worst of all, she revealed the fact that I've never cheated on my wife!
Lemon: Okay, well that's not true.
Jack: Actually, it is true. Tracy shared that with me last year.
Lemon: What? What about the strip clubs and the disgusting stories? Your Ben & Jerry's flavor is called "Adulteraisin."