Airborne Vengeance
Carol: Ugh, look at sweatpants guy. This is a 90-million dollar aircraft, not a Tallahassee strip club. Stuart, 21-18 that guy.
Stuart: Excuse me, Mr. Sweatpants, we're gonna have to check that bag.
Carol: And that is Sky Law.

But She'll Have Excellent Death Panels!
Bellboy: Well, if you need anything else-- [Avery grabs his hand and screams] Oh, God! You're breaking the extra bone all Canadians have in their hands.
Avery: Jack, I think the baby's coming!
Jack: What? You're not due until March. Why did I buy a beryllium mine if her birthstone isn't going to be aquamarine?
Avery: We need to get to the airport.
Jack: Airport? We need to get you to a hospital.
Avery: No, this is Canada! If she's born here...
Jack: Good God, she'll be Canadian!
Bellboy: At the risk of sounding incredibly rude, I would beg your pardon and ask you, in your opinion, what's so wrong aboat being a Canadian?
Jack: Your milk comes in bags... bags!
Avery: Your pavilion at Epcot doesn't have a ride.
Jack: And if Canada is so nice and friendly, why does most of our meth come from your Asian drug gangs?
Avery: Are we not even making our own meth? What is happening to American manufacturing?
Jack: Take our things downstairs and get us a car to the airport.
Avery: Oh my God, Jack. If our child is born here, she can't be president!
Jack: Don't even say it. We're having an American, and she will be president. No matter how ridiculous that sentence sounds.
Avery: If only we were in Kenya right now, we'd be fine.

Herds of Walking Mozzarella Sticks = My New Catchphrase
Stuart: Excuse me, while we're waiting to take off, we're going to go ahead and begin our in-flight entertainment, which is the feature film Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole and some NBC sitcoms that didn't make the schedule. [Passengers groan]
Lemon: Hey.
Carol: Hey, Lizzie, you okay?
Lemon: People are starting to get a little antsy back there.
Carol: Yeah... it's gonna be about another half hour.
Lemon: Really? 'Cause I checked flight tracker on my phone, and our status is just an angry red frowny face.
Carol: Okay, you wanna know a little pilot secret -- besides the fact that we get a discount from Sunglass Hut? The half hour thing is a trick. It's enough time so that people know they're gonna have to wait, but it doesn't upset them.
Lemon: So you're lying? That's not right. We're paying customers.
Carol: Look, Liz, we have reasons for doing things the way we do them. We say half an hour to control the herds of walking mozzarella sticks who think that $300 and a photo ID gives them right to fly through the air like one of the guardians owls of legend. God, that's been our in-flight movie for months.
Lemon: I just think it's frustrating for people to know that they're being lied to.
Carol: Maybe you just want to fly the plane yourself. Well good luck pressing "Take Off," then "Autopilot," then "Land!"