30 Rock

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Prenuptial Disagreements

Jack's office. Avery stops by with a bandage on her noggin thanks to a very hands-on episode of Mad Money the night before. Jack thought they'd stopped airing the show: "Cramer's been dead for six months." Guess they tapped into some of that old cryo magic they used on Don Geiss. Avery tells Jack she won't be able to attend Cerie's wedding that weekend because she's still pissed about Nancy and thus scheduled her Dodecacil-regulated annual menstrual cycle to conflict with the ceremony. She's scheduled a secluded two-week retreat in the Adirondacks for herself and her raging hormones. She urges Jack to do some thinking while she's gone.

He sees her out to the elevator. As Avery's door closes, the one beside it opens with Nancy inside. He bids them both "Aloha" since it means both "Hello" and "Goodbye." None-the-wiser Nancy marches out for an impromptu weekend of romance and shark boat tours. He tells her he has some thinking to do, but she says he can do it with her.

Downstairs, Cerie asks who Lemon's bringing to the wedding. When Lemon says she is flying solo, Cerie asks if she can seat her next to her dad's mistress's cousin. Lemon consents, then moans about her Heigl-like story arc. Jenna can't believe Lemon's going to Cerie's wedding alone and asks whether she'll also be dateless at Floyd's wedding. She says she'd rather die, so Jenna offers to set her up with her not-gay-when-he's-drunk trainer. Never fear, Lemon already has a plan. Based on Colleen's advice that she's already met all the different types of men, she plans to go back through her "gentleman rolodex" and see if she can lower her standards enough to find one of them less repugnant than before. Jenna likes this notion of "sexual time travel," as it was the premise for her starring role in the soft-core masterpiece Emanuelle Goes to Dinosaur Land. (Not Emanuelle Does Dinosaur Land? Missed opportunity guys!) Frank likes the notion of Lemon lowering her standards. He invites her to meet him in the handicap bathroom stall in 10 seconds, then oafishly crashes into a couple of chairs on the way there. Credits.

Later that day, Lemon knocks on the door of her handsome ex Drew. He says he was just thinking about her because he "saw this gorgeous woman putting glasses on her daughter's Mrs. Potato Head." He invites her in to talk. He has oven mitts on and explains he's baking. She asks if he's seeing anyone, and he says he hasn't been seriously involved with anyone since her. As he goes into the kitchen to get her some water, she admits she was judgmental about his intelligence. She stops mid-sentence when he comes back out and reveals that he now has two hooks instead of hands. She gasps, and he says he didn't think to mention it because he's "just so comfortable with them." Cue him dropping her glass of water, smashing it with his hooks, knocking over end tables, and then tearing a gash in his last intact painting.

She asks what happened. He explains that he was on a Doctors Without Borders mission and, long story short, never stick your hand outside of a helicopter to wave. So that's what happened to the right hand. As for the left, long story short, don't play with fireworks, kids. Lemon realizes he actually is too dumb to be The One. He thinks it's a discrimination thing because of the hooks, but she assures him she's an equal opportunity loser at love. He tries to encourage her not to go by stroking her face gently with his right hook. She jumps back because it's burning hot. He reminds her that he was baking... his hooks apparently? Lemon leaves grumbling about how handsome he is.

Tracy's dressing room. He calls an entourage meeting to discuss his summer film role: Garfield in Garfield 3: Feline Groovy. He enjoys the fact that shooting will be entirely green screen and only take three days, all for "one million teachers' salaries." Dot Com encourages him to take a risk so that he might snag the Oscar "O" on his EGOT necklace. He hands Tracy a script written by a rapper from the South Bronx who had a similarly rough and tumble childhood to Tracy's. Tracy agrees to look it over, but he's got a back-up in an animated film he drew about the Holocaust.

Lemon's office. Jack takes Lemon aside for advice about the rapidly deteriorating Nancy-Avery situation. She suggests he come clean, but Jack thinks that's a terrible idea. Instead, he's prepared an anti-romantic evening including a documentary about female circumcision and gluttony over Indian food. Lemon tells him not to avoid the problem and do the right thing even though it's hard. He puts the kibosh on that notion and asks her expert advice on how to keep a date devoid of sex. She starts to go off on him in a high-pitched rant, but he cuts her off to mock her and say that such an annoying timbre is the perfect antidote to foreplay. She's still screeching as he runs out.

Out in the hall, Tracy says he hated the script and couldn't relate to it. Dot Com points out several points where the script intersected with Tracy's own life. Tracy says memories of his childhood are mostly a blur, so Dot Com suggests he's repressing some stuff. As you might expect, Kenneth has a Deliverance-esque anecdote about repression. Moving on! Dot Com tells Tracy this film is a sure shot at snagging his "O," so he should reconnect with his roots. Tracy rejects that idea, saying he was just on a yacht with The Roots last week.

Meanwhile, Lemon finds Dennis in a park working on some helium cans and a big, metallic silver object of some kind. He tells her he knew it was her immediately because he's personalized the vibration on his pager for "each chick [he] used to put it to." She ignores that comment and asks what he's building. Just then a Hispanic boy climbs out of a door in Dennis's contraption. Dennis slams the door on the kid, then explains, "This is Jose. I met him through this program that places troubled adults with child mentors." Lemon puts two and two together that Dennis is planning to re-enact the Balloon Boy debacle, except with an actual kid in the balloon. She opens up the door and tells Jose to run like the wind. As with Drew, Lemon realizes that Dennis is a no-go and walks off wondering what she did wrong. Dennis screams after her that she'll be back. She keeps walking, so he hits on the nearest jogger. When she keeps a-runnin', he dismisses her as a lesbian.

Jack's apartment. Nancy is enjoying a Guinness after their non-date. He puts on some marching band music to stifle the mood, so Nancy excuses herself to the bathroom before heading back to her hotel. Jack picks up the phone to order her a car service, but he barely dials the number before she returns in a positively bordello-ready red lingerie ensemble. He drops the phone and lunges toward Nancy to take her to the bedroom caveman-style.

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30 Rock

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