Shtickin' & Waffles
Lemon: When you were watching me after my oral surgery, did I put a toaster waffle into my DVD player?
Jack: You did. You watched it for an hour, said Nicole Kidman should get an Oscar for it, then you turned it off.
Lemon: Yikes. Thanks for babysitting me.
Jack: I did my best, but you were pretty far gone. You kept trying to order home massages off of Craigslist.
Lemon: Good thing you were here.
Gruff Voice Outside Lemon's Door: Somebody order a massage?
Lemon [Large Marge-esque voice]: You're too late! I already killed her!
Jack: Well-played, Lemon.
Jack: I'm sorry. You're calling me as a source? How are you going to explain your unnamed executive to your producer?
Avery: I'll tell him it's a guy I'm having sex with. It's a 24-hour news cycle around here, Jack. We really don't have time to do it right anymore.
Cheese Nipped in the Bud
Dentist: Well you're healing very nicely. You may continue to experience sensitivity for a few more days.
Lemon: When can I start eating hard cheeses again, doctor?
Dentist: I've had this pamphlet printed up. It was expensive, but I'm really tired of discussing this with you. [Hands her pamphlet entitled "Hard Cheeses and Your Root Canal, Liz"]
Tricks are for Kenneths
Lemon: I went to the dentist yesterday, and I actually found out about my mystery guy.
Lemon: And I now know that he is English and that he made me laugh.
Kenneth: That's wonderful. Even if he does come from a country that's nothing more than the dried husk America came out of. So are you going to call him?
Lemon: And say what? That "you're my future husband?" I'd like to at least to know what this guy looks like before I put myself out there.
Kenneth: Then we need to find a way for you to see him -- through trickery! We all know deceit is okay if it's done for love, like when Lot's daughters got him drunk to repopulate the world through incest, or when Screech went to the masquerade ball in disguise so Lisa would kiss him!
Brian Williams: Hey CNBC, Nightly News rules! [Throws a Nerf football down at Avery's feet like he made a touchdown.]
Avery: Go break a story, Williams!
Brian Williams: Nightly rules!
Jack: Avery, I have some information for you, but in exchange I need you to do something for me.