30 Rock

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You've Got Male!

How to Seduce a Recipient, if You Carry Mail

Jack and Elisa watch an episode of Los Amantes Clandestines in which Generalissimo cheats at a duel and shoots a man in the back. Lemon joins them in Jack's office. It's her first time meeting Elisa: "C'mon, you're a nurse?" "Yeah, some of us are hot," explains Elisa, and then Jack shows Lemon his evil doppelganger on the TV. He explains his abuela problemo. To remedy the situation, Jack bought Telemundo, the station that airs Los Amantes Clandestines, and now he wants Lemon to write a script that will kill off the Generalissimo character once and for all. "Elisa will help you with the Spanish," he says to reassure her. Lemon protests. She's never even watched the show, but Elisa explains the only piece of information Lemon requires: Generalissimo is a swine. On television is a scene between Generalissimo and a young lady. He steals the young lady's mail and uses it to trick her into giving up her honor to him. Generalissimo reads her mail -- her most intimate secrets -- and turns himself into the perfect object of her desire. "What she loved, he pretended to love, too," explains Elisa. Interesting. I find this very interesting. I never thought of the mail as being this variety of a privacy issue. So ladies, I'm only going to give you this avenue to my body once. I've got a stack of my personal mail in my lap. If you have designs on seducing me, welcome to your roadmap:

Invite me to a complimentary Internet marketing conference, or offer to refinance something that I don't own. Further entice the offer with a mystery gift (value of $60). When we meet, accidentally drop a $10 coupon for electronic equipment or home buys at Target from your purse. Soon, we'll be going back to your place. When you have me on the bed, remind me to update the credit card information for my subscription to The New Yorker, and when my shirt is (finally) off, threaten to cut off my electricity unless I pay off my full utility balance or sign a three-month payment agreement. Be very rigid about it, too. It's a turn-on.

Lemon takes Generalissimo's seduction method to heart. The next day she knocks on the doctor's door and holds up a "Missing" sign for her pretend dog Buster. The doctor goes to grab his coat, and Lemon belts out an evil Spanish soap-star laugh. Doc, you've just been Generalissimo'd. (I just wrote that.) In the next scene, Lemon and the doc walk along a tree-lined street in Manhattan. It looks like Carrie Bradshaw's block. They're yelling for Buster and handing out the "Missing" flyers to people. Lemon is laying it on thick. Her words quiver, as if unbalanced by tears, and she gamely establishes her "out" from all of this: "If we don't find Buster, I don't think I can be around dogs again." She takes her jacket off to reveal a 10K Benefit for Pediatric Restless Leg Syndrome Association T-shirt. It just so happens that Dr. Baird is on the association's board. Lemon takes the opportunity to suggest that they go look for Buster at a wine bar around the corner. It's the full courtship press, but the doctor begs off. He tells Lemon about his divorce. "I'm really not ready for this kind of thing just yet. Plus, I have not given up on that dog. He's a fighter. Buster!" Meanwhile, at the opposite of a wine bar, Tracy and the four interns do shots. The drinks are one part alcohol, two parts fire, but Tracy grins and bears it. "I'm Tracy Jordan. Why would I be afraid of fire next to my mouth?"

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30 Rock

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