30 Rock

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: B+ | 1 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
Fun with Dick & DIHC

It's morning at the Donaghy-Jessup abode. Avery shows Jack a customized Hermes saddle, emblazoned with the letter "C," that she had made for their daughter -- "so she can ride the maid!" Jack wonders if Charlotte is the right name for their daughter, particularly since Lemon didn't approve. Avery thinks Jack needs to set firmer boundaries with Lemon. He argues that she is his mentee, and he does not take the mentoring process, nor the selection of his mentees, lightly: "They have to have the drive and ambition to be worth my time, the intelligence to understand the challenges they're going to face, the humility to accept my help, and finally a life that is a bottomless swamp of chaos. Drive, intelligence, humility, chaos -- or the acronym DIHC," pronounced in a way that rhymes with "shtick." He adds, "I'm looking for DIHC, Avery, and I'm going to take it wherever I can find it." Avery tells Jack that his mentoring relationship has gone on for four years, and maybe it's time for Lemon to be released in the wild. Then she has a crazy hormone swing and sweeps everything off the breakfast table while hurling a bowl of whipped cream at Jack and howling that everything smells like onions. With that, Jack agrees to institute more boundaries in his relationship with Lemon. Credits.

30 Rock. As Kenneth leads a tour of NBC, he happens upon an editor working on Tracy's video obituary. He immediately drops to his knees in a blind panic and screams to the heavens that he's not done with Tracy. Another page informs him that Tracy isn't actually dead, they just need to update his obit to include his recent submarine DUI. Naturally. Kenneth regains his composure and asks for a copy of the obit so he can show it to Tracy. Then Tracy can see his own funeral just like Tom Sawyer. Nope, not the iconic character of 19th century American literature. Some kid from Stone Mountain that Kenneth and the townspeople accidentally buried alive. After they dug him back up, he tried to kill everyone. Naturally.

Lemon's office. Her father, Dick Lemon, calls and suggests he come to New York for a visit. She's excited about the prospect of seeing both her parents, but her father says her mom won't be coming. She says her parents always travel together, and her dad snaps that he wants to have a little fun by himself. Her mother returns home, and he hangs up the phone abruptly after telling her, "This conversation never happened."

Over in Tracy's dressing room, he is discouraged to see his obituary and realize what a sad, expletive-laden legacy he will leave behind. He thinks the world will see him as some idiot millionaire. Jenna, who only heard these last two words, chimes in to ask if they're talking about Mark Cuban ("That guy ran me over with a jet ski"). Tracy stomps off, leaving Kenneth to clarify that he showed Tracy his obituary. Jenna assumes Tracy is dying and pretends to be reluctant but is really jumping at the chance to sing at his funeral. Kenneth corrects her, explaining NBC's policy of preparing celebrity obits in advance. Jenna gets excited about this prospect, hoping they show footage of that time she got caught shop lifting because her arms looked fantastic.

Jack's office. Lemon enters and starts to consult him on her father's visit, but he cuts her off and informs her about their new boundaries on discussing personal matters. He informs her that their relationship is confusing to Avery. Lemon laughs that she can understand how Avery might be threatened by her "sessuality." Jack explains that Avery is a little on edge after having gained some boob weight that causes her to fall over at random, but he still thinks Avery might have a point that he and Lemon are too involved in each other's intimate affairs. Lemon huffily says she'll solve her own problem, then makes for the door -- only she can't get it open to make the dramatic exit she would have liked.

Downstairs, Jenna is distraught that she doesn't have an obit prepared and has been passed over for that bitch Kim Jong-il. You and me both, girl.

Back upstairs, Jack informs Jonathan that he is considering him to be his next mentee. Jonathan nearly dissolves into a puddle with elation until Jack tells him he doesn't think Jonathan has enough drive. Jack brandishes a knife and tells Jonathan he has instructed his lawyer to bestow the honor upon Jonathan only if he reports to the lawyer with his pinky. Jonathan balks, offering to cut off his own pinky instead. Test failed. Jack informs Jonathan that "Ambition is the willingness to kill the things you love and eat them to stay alive," which he handily has embroidered on a throw pillow nearby.

Lemon's apartment. Ragged Dick shows up with no glasses on his face, wearing an Ed Hardy shirt that "a very hip, Latino-sounding blur at Mervin's" told him looked great. Oh, the dreaded Gosselin Effect. You can smell it a mile away, its hints of Drakkar Noir, Bud Light, and fizzling notoriety. Lemon asks what's going on, so Dick tells her that he has decided to take a break from her mother after 45 years. She refuses to let him stay with her while he's taking his "Gentleman's Intermission" from marriage, so she hands him his bag and tells him to go back home to her mother. Instead, he says he's going to meet up with an old army buddy, widower Gary -- "Tonight we're doing a push-up, and tomorrow we're going to a bar called Swingles." Lemon watches him blindly stumble his way out of her apartment and toward Gary's, where he will sleep on the extra bed from when Gary's recently deceased wife was in hospice care. Such are the glorious thrills of the single life!

Later, Lemon decides to call Avery, then chickens out at the last minute and starts speaking in German. Avery, who also embraces the lingua Germanica, sees Lemon's name on the caller ID and shoots down her ruse. Lemon's all, "Hey girl!" Lemon says she knows she shouldn't be calling, but she really needs Jack to help her with daddy issues. (See what I did there?) Avery coldly tells her it's inappropriate and hangs up.

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30 Rock

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