30 Rock. Kenneth is in the studio adjusting a spotlight on Tracy. It's his "sadness spotlight," and he's still bereft that his life has added up to nothing positive. Coming upon this bottomless pit of chaos, Jack realizes that Tracy may just be the perfect new mentee for him. For his first piece of advice, Jack tells Tracy to better his obit by changing his public image like Prince Hal, whom Tracy played (badly) on stage in Central Park last summer. Tracy immediately believes he just had this idea himself, and when Jack tries to offer his help to Tracy any time, Tracy tells him he needs no help. "I'm Tracy Jordan," he says with the confidence of the truly ignorant, "when I go to sleep, nothing happens in the world." Kenneth beams proudly, and Jack says ruefully that Tracy failed the test of humility. Kenneth says he'd love Jack as his own mentor, but unfortunately he already has one. He looks over at a disgruntled custodian, who screams back, "Stop calling me!"
Writers' kitchen. Lemon asks Pete WWJTMTD: "What Would Jack Tell Me To Do?" She and Cerie (welcome back, little bird!) agree that Dick Lemon must look like a pathetic old loser trying to pick up chicks at 80. Pete in a delusion feat of wish-fulfillment would rather see him as brave and heroic.
Jack's office. Jenna bursts in and demands to know why Tracy has a prefab obit and she doesn't. Jack runs down Tracy's dubious list of accomplishments for her and says she hasn't done as much as he has. She vows to make her own obituary so that everyone at NBC News can see how wrong they are. With that, Jack concludes that she cannot be his mentee on the grounds that she's failed the test of intelligence.
Downstairs, Jack and Lemon have an awkward conversation, owing to the fact that they have nothing business-oriented to discuss really. Lemon walks away, and Jack watches her from afar, whispering lovingly, "Shoulders back, Lemon. You're not welcoming people to Castle Frankenstein.'
That night, Dick Lemon hits up da club with his friend Gary. Lemon takes for granted the fact that neither of them can see worth a damn and so shows up with dark glasses and hair to the sky. Dick immediately hits on her. She introduces herself as Dorothy Michaels. Nice. Dick tells her that he and Gary are FBI -- "Female Body Inspectors." He starts to compliment her ass, but she cuts him off and reveals herself to be his daughter. A guy mistakenly thinks she's trying to hit on her own father and announces it disgustedly to the whole club. Instead of clearing up the situation, Dick lets everyone gang up on her before suggesting he and Gary "hit that bar with the cool rainbow flags."
Elsewhere, Jenna records her obituary: "A three-time Cable Ace award nominee and a two-time Tony... Shalhoub sex partner, Jenna Maroney is dead at... 32." There's even a little ditty that likens Jenna to the passing of wind.
Meanwhile, Tracy and Kenneth are struggling as they brainstorm how to change Tracy's image. As Tracy wonders why it's so hard to change how the world thinks of him overnight, a segment comes on the Today show about a heroic cat that saved its owner's life by dialing 911. Tracy devises a plan to save the cat's life so he can be a "double hero."
Upstairs, Jack has called Avery into his office to advise her on her interview with John Boehner (Tip: Miniature golf pencils make small hands look bigger!). She quickly catches on that he's trying to mentor her and tells him to back off. She wonders if it's really this hard to find a new mentee. He says that Lemon is in a class of her own and that everyone of the junior executive generation isn't up to snuff. In walks a walking, talking example of everything I hate about people my age. See below.
Studio. Samurai sword-wielding Tracy meets up Kenneth, who for his part has a ski mask and a hammer. Kenneth heads off to get that darn cat, and Tracy promises to catch up to him before any actual violence occurs. Of course, instead, he gets distracted by Anne Curry on the television touting some Oscar buzz for his latest movie, Hard To Watch. Tracy realizes he doesn't have to do anything if he can win an Oscar: "Then my obituary will read 'Oscar winner' instead of 'children's soccer heckler,'" he says hopefully. He sheaths his Samurai sword and goes about his day, saying, "I think I'm forgetting something." A flash of horror crosses his face: "I left Tracy Jr. in Atlantic City!"
Meanwhile, Kenneth has reached the hero cat and sets Tracy's ill-conceived plan in action. He screams that he wants to kill the cat, looking around desperately for Tracy to come stop him. Instead, Jenna shows up shouting, "Killing cats is wrong -- unless it's for a hat!" She clocks Kenneth on the head with a fire extinguisher and is hailed as a double hero by all, including the Page who earlier deemed her not important enough for pre-obit. Jenna triumphantly flings down the extinguisher, pronouncing, "And tell people in lieu of flowers, they can pour jewels into my open coffin!" During the swell of applause, Kenneth croaks out that he's very injured. Unfazed by the attempted assault, hero cat leaps to a desk and calls 911 on his behalf.
Jack's office. Avery calls Lemon in to tell her that her weird, vague mentor-mentee relationship with Jack can continue as before. She leaves, telling Lemon she's briefed Jack on her problems with her father. Jack takes Lemon's phone to call Dick and nip this irrational problem with some good, old-fashioned fear. When Dick answers, he puts on a thick Jersey-by-way-of-Queens accent and plays a juicehead who vacillates between being pissed at Dick for trying to steal his girl, then being pissed that Dick doesn't think she's good enough when he denies everything. He lays it on thick, threatening to bring his three brothers over and kick Dick's ass. Dick hangs up in fear. Jack gives it a few seconds and calls back as the juicehead, a corrupt fireman juicehead at that, saying he's going to set Dick on fire and not investigate it. Dick promises no such action will be necessary, as he is returning to Philadelphia that day. Juicehead Jack ends the conversation on a brotherly note, saying Dick should cherish and honor his marriage. The subject of grandkids comes up, and Jack takes the chance to throw in a jibe at Lemon before hanging up and saying, "Go Necks!" Lemon takes back her phone and immediately shows Jack a weird growth on her leg. Just like olden times!
Bonus! Lemon reacts to the various names Jack might give his daughter. She is appalled by Claire, snarks that she'll visit Joanne on the farm with her wife, thinks Jacqueline would equal "a little Jack, but with boobs," thinks Daphne Donaghy is a Dorky name, Kylie is fit for a girl who strips her way through community college, and concludes that Christina is no good because she'd be nicknamed Tina, a name notoriously given to judgmental bitches. And now that we're through with the name-calling, how about some more traditional yuk-yuks?