Live Free or Try Hard (Yeah, I Know That's New Hampshire)
Director: Cut! I just got a text from the studio. We're shutting down production.
Slaughterface: But I turned down Carousel at the Goodspeed for this.
Director: I'm sorry, Dana, but our budget depends on getting a tax break from Connecticut, and they say we're not portraying the state in a positive light.
Jenna: How are we not doing that, Sean? [Cut to a shot of her in front of a wall with "Welcome to Hell" written on it in blood.] I'm a little baffled over here.
Director: Yeah, it's just that we're spending taxpayer money saying there's a veterinarian running around Connecticut trying to make a house of breasts for the governor to live in.
Jenna: But there's a positive message at the end of it -- If you're a woman in Connecticut, Slaughterface will kill you!
The Devolution of Torture Porn
Jenna: Jack, can we talk as one 10 to another.
Jack: I'm an 11 but continue.
Jenna: Me, my ass double, and a drill who once appeared in Home Improvement are currently starring in a film called Take My Hand.
Jack: Really? Years ago, Universal had a project by that name. It was a romantic comedy with Reese Witherspoon and Patrick Dempsey.
Jenna: Reese Witherspoon is just a likeable version of me.
Jack: Then she dropped out, and it was rewritten as a buddy comedy with Dempsey and Josh Hartnett, but everyone fell asleep during the table read, so we moved it over to Telemundo where they tried to turn it into a variety show hosted by a supermodel and a soccer ball with a mustache.
Jenna: I met that soccer ball once at a no-hands-allowed sex party!
Jack: Then after another round of rewrites, it was picked up by our low-budget thriller high-budget porno division Splatter Flicks, and now it's a horror movie starring [checks his computer]... "any blonde actress."
Jenna: Thank you!
Jack: Wait, that's our project? This is exactly what I was talking to Lemon about. Three years, millions on rewrites, $20,000 in first class flights for the drill! And we still have nothing to show for it.
Thinking Like Tracy
Jack: Lemon, you look terrible, and I once watched you eat oysters while you had a cold.
Lemon: We had, Jack, then we lost him. So Kenneth and I had to spend the rest of the afternoon thinking like Tracy. I ended up eating a swordfish dinner at a strip club, and Kenneth grabbed a cop's gun and shot a blimp.
Jack: Well, tomorrow's another day, so go home, drink a glass of wine, and watch a show about wedding cake disasters.
Lemon: I can't go home, Jack. TGS goes away if I don't find Tracy. I'm just going to wait up and hope Tracy calls his lizard.
Tracy: Did you make sure Tracy wasn't pretending to be his own wax figure at Madame Tussauds?
Lemon: Yes. There was some confusion, and I ended up punching the real LeVar Burton... I'm gonna go get Jeremy. I hope he's not still in heat. He has gotten my top off before.