What's the Opposite of a Francophile? Jack.
Jack: This morning I figured out how to fix NBC -- we will only do shows that work.
Lemon: That's nonsense.
Jack: Do you know what the business model is in the entertainment industry is? Make 10 shows and hope that one of them works. We produce more failed pilots than the French Air Force. [Jack and Lemon high five.]
Age Ain't Nothin' But a Fumble
Lemon: Well, as hard it is to believe given our apparent ages [points to Kenneth], this is my son.
Pizzeria Owner: Seems about right.
Lemon: Well... good.
Live Free or Try Hard (Yeah, I Know That's New Hampshire)
Director: Cut! I just got a text from the studio. We're shutting down production.
Slaughterface: But I turned down Carousel at the Goodspeed for this.
Director: I'm sorry, Dana, but our budget depends on getting a tax break from Connecticut, and they say we're not portraying the state in a positive light.
Jenna: How are we not doing that, Sean? [Cut to a shot of her in front of a wall with "Welcome to Hell" written on it in blood.] I'm a little baffled over here.
Director: Yeah, it's just that we're spending taxpayer money saying there's a veterinarian running around Connecticut trying to make a house of breasts for the governor to live in.
Jenna: But there's a positive message at the end of it -- If you're a woman in Connecticut, Slaughterface will kill you!
The Devolution of Torture Porn
Jenna: Jack, can we talk as one 10 to another.
Jack: I'm an 11 but continue.
Jenna: Me, my ass double, and a drill who once appeared in Home Improvement are currently starring in a film called Take My Hand.
Jack: Really? Years ago, Universal had a project by that name. It was a romantic comedy with Reese Witherspoon and Patrick Dempsey.
Jenna: Reese Witherspoon is just a likeable version of me.
Jack: Then she dropped out, and it was rewritten as a buddy comedy with Dempsey and Josh Hartnett, but everyone fell asleep during the table read, so we moved it over to Telemundo where they tried to turn it into a variety show hosted by a supermodel and a soccer ball with a mustache.
Jenna: I met that soccer ball once at a no-hands-allowed sex party!
Jack: Then after another round of rewrites, it was picked up by our low-budget thriller high-budget porno division Splatter Flicks, and now it's a horror movie starring [checks his computer]... "any blonde actress."