Fung Wah Fo-Eva
Lemon: You're taking a bus?
Jack: I have to. Ever since these buffoons from Detroit took private planes, the rest of us have to put on a show. And now your president, who by the way is Kenyan and smokes cigarettes, has created an industry task force for microwaves and small appliances.
My Ideal Date
Frank: If your man collects action figures, that's a dealbreaker?
Lemon: What? Oh, yeah.
Frank: Last weekend I picked up this girl after practicing Jedi moves in Prospect Park --
Lemon: Also a dealbreaker.
Frank: ...I took her back to my house on the handlebars of my bike -
Lemon: As is that.
Frank: ...snuck her inside past my mom -
Lemon: Wow. That's four!
Frank: ...she sees my mint condition Hellboy figurine -
Lemon: That's five!
Frank: ...and starts quoting your dumb book! Yeah! Also, my girlfriend is mad... in Canada.
Charity Works Both Ways
Lemon: I didn't know you did volunteer work.
Kenneth: Oh, yes! I also help out at the Pants for Zoo Animals program and Big Brother.
Lemon: Really? I did Big Sister in college. That little girl taught me how to use tampons.
Kenneth: Oh, no. This Big Brother isn't affiliated with the mentoring program. It's an organization that secretly watches people and makes sure they're behaving properly.
Stripe-y Shenanigans, Indeed
Tracy: A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory!
File Under: Slush Fund
Devin: Is it true, Mr. Donaghy, that your executives routinely used company helicopters to dry their home tennis courts?
Jack: Yes and no. Yes that did happen, and no, it didn't not happen.
Devin: And that GE kept a party clown on retainer with a six-figure salary?
Jack: Silly Willy's fee was amortized over all birthdays company-wide.
Devin: I've been told that company money is being gambled at race tracks.
Jack: Yes, but I have a system. [Which he earlier described is based on horse penis size, FYI.]
Devin: In 2007, a GE officer used corporate funds to throw a Cabaret-themed Halloween party on Fire Island.
Jack: As I recall, that was you.
Animal Shelter Volunteer: The most important thing is that you not become emotionally attached to any of [the animals].
Kenneth: I grew up on a pig farm, sir, where all the animals -- even the birds that cleaned our teeth -- were workers, not pets. I never even had a dog 'cause, as my mom would say, "Ya can't eat love." And as my mom's friend Ron would say, "The donkey died. You're the donkey now, Kenneth."