More Gems from Parenting with Pete
Lemon: Tracy and Jenna are like children!
Pete: And like children, you can't reason with them when they're upset. All you can do is turn up the heat, pour some whiskey in their juice, and wait for sleep to save you.
Lemon: Well, that's not going to work for me because Jenna is immune to whiskey and Tracy is afraid of juice.
Jack: Since I have neither the time not the energy to even pretend that your situation is a real problem --
Lemon: I'm allergic to dogs, Jack!
Tracy [overlapping]: She doesn't like to refill the Brita!
Jack: I will cut the baby in half.
Tracy: And I will take the top half, for that is the part with the face.
Into the Mild
Jack: It's 1994. I went ice climbing, and I fell into a crevasse. I hurt my leg, and I couldn't climb back up. So, fighting every natural instinct, doing the thing that seemed most awful to me, I climbed down into the darkness. And that's how I got out. And when I got back to base camp, I went and found my fellow climber, the one who had cut me loose after I fell. And I said, "Connie Chung, you did the right thing."
From Top to Bottom
Jack: Sure, maybe you've ruined my career. Maybe you'll never see me again. But if you had forced me to take government bail-out money, you'd be my boss.
Devon: Ah! Oh my. You'd have to come down to Washington, report to me. Like a little school boy, your hands sticky from candy.
Jack: And the worst part is, I wouldn't even want the money.
Devon: No you wouldn't. Jack Donaghy taking welfare. It'd kill you.
Jack: So many jobs at stake.
Devon: You'd have to take it. I'd make you. I'd make you take it all.
Jack: I'd roll over and let you give it to me.
Devon: I'm honestly not trying to make this sound gay.
Jack: No one is, it's just happening
Devon: One word to the president, and I own you. I own this office, and I own that fancy little fellow outside.