30 Rock

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Lady Lola: B- | Grade It Now!
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Late-Night Wars

Tracy's dressing room. Tracy's Cheez-Wiz huffing is interrupted when Kenneth calls from Tracy's house. He has a slap mark on his face and says, diplomatically, that things have "deteriorated." Tracy doesn't really care about all that, but Kenneth urges Tracy to come home to quell Angie's wrath. Tracy whines that Kenneth is so much better at "that serving stuff" and wonders why he can't just do it. Kenneth asks if Tracy remembers his vow to love Angie in sickness and in health. Says Tracy, "To be honest, I couldn't really understand anything Rick James was saying." Kenneth looks around anxiously as he begs Tracy one last time to come home. Tracy agrees, welcoming Kenneth to help himself to anything in the fridge while he's on his way home. "And once I'm there," says Tracy, "I'll determine how much to charge you."

Writers' room. Lemon pointedly asks if any of her staffers did anything fun last night. Frank claims he went to the doctor. When Lemon asks why, he shows her some gross arm situation that "looks like the underside of an octopus." Cerie interrupts to ask if she can talk to Lemon and Jenna in "that office where everyone clips their toenails." By which, of course, she means Lemon's office.

Once inside the toenail vault, Cerie tells them her wedding is back on for May 22 after her fiancé was rescued from the pirates that captured his parents' yacht. She tells them that "the bridesmaids will be you guys, Andy Roddick's wife, some of my Dutch cousins, and Penélope Cruz's hotter sister Monica." Jenna patronizingly pats Lemon's shoulder as she tells her how out of place she'll be. Cerie gets to the point: If she's going to have a work party, it has to be this week since her schedule is filling up. Oh yeah, and they might have to walk down the aisle with some pirates. Lemon sees the opportunity to force herself into her staff's social outings and assumes the responsibility of planner for Cerie's party. And it's going to be tonight. And it's going to be FUN! "So screw both of you, and screw everybody out here," she yells at the writers. "Liz Lemon is having a party! And there ain't no party like a Liz Lemon party, 'cause a Liz Lemon party is mandatory!"

Upstairs, Jack looks at two white boards and gives himself a pep talk: "All right, Donaghy, follow your heart." One of the boards has pictures of Avery and Nancy with a line down the middle. We pan over to the other one, which has the word "HEART" written on it. Turns out "HEART" is an acronym for Jack's points-based system based on "Hard Equations And Rational Thinking." He scribbles all sorts of equations and variables on the board, eventually tabulating each woman's "HEART" value. They're dead even at 489.3 apiece. He spits out, "Damn you, HEART!" The system having failed him, he leaves it to chance, tossing a dart over his shoulder at the board with the ladies' pictures on it. It lands square in the middle.

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30 Rock

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