Metro Fiancée: One time in college... and a lot since then.
Dumpy Girl in Muumuu: My boyfriend has been acting really weird since he got promoted at his job--
Lemon: Yeah, he thinks he deserves a vajayjay upgrade. He doesn't. He's not Tom Brady. Shut it down. Deal breaker!
[Average-looking couple stand at microphone]
Lemon: Yeah, there's no such thing as bisexual. That's just something they invented in the '90s to sell hair products. Deal breaker!
[Woman and guy with snake around his neck stand at mic]
Lemon: Only one snake in the bedroom. Deal breaker!
[Shrimpy farmer-like guy and semi-serial killer-looking guy stand at mic]
Lemon: I think you guys are gonna make it.
One Argument for Gun Control
Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, I think it's sad that you're still ashamed of that kid. That kid is you!
Tracy: Uh-uh! I've changed, Ken, into a badass adult. I have a wolf dog, and I have two bad knees, and a gun -- that I lost!
Rule #1 in the WASP Handbook
Jack: Milton, the Donaghys do not talk. We let things fester until they erupt in inappropriate anger, preferably during a wedding or elementary school graduation.
Milton: Can I come back next week?
Jack: Okay, we can go to a Yankee game. I have great seats in the section between the players' wives and the players' mistresses. But I don't go on Bat Day.
Shoddy Shop Talk
Dr. Spaceman: [Spouts lots of medical jargon at Jack.] Now, in layman's terms... what do you think that means?
Jack: I don't know. Could I give this guy a kidney or not?
Dr. Spaceman: "Due to negative blood tissue mass, transplantation is not recommended." Damn it, is this written in Greek?!
Liberals Do Like to Throw Away Money, I Hear
Jack: Lemon, I'm giving Milton Green a kidney.
Lemon: You're a match?
Jack: No I'm not.
Lemon: Then where are you going to get a kidney from?
Jack: I don't know, but I have the entire liberal media establishment at my disposal -- the same manipulation machine that got people to vote for Barack Obama and donate all that money after Rainstorm Katrina. I'm going to use that to find my dad a kidney.
Jenna: You should do a celebrity concert, like that gig I did to benefit old gays.
Jack: Yes! A benefit concert like "We Are the World" -- or "Weird Al" Yankovic's less successful parody benefit, "We Are the Pizza." Tell Pete to start building a set.