All the major players catch up on their New Year's Eve shenanigans. Jack got violently sick on some ancient wine, Lemon outed her cousin Randy from the boonies, Tracy impregnated Angie, and Jenna set up a sham romance with James Franco. Naturally all of these attempts to put one year behind them and come charging into another go horribly awry.
For starters, Jack drunk-dialed Nancy Donovan, who hasn't contacted him since last year. In his words, Jack "Lemon-ed the situation." (Imagine Lemon herself Lemon-ing The Situation.) So he must forge an elaborate plot involving a pants-less Kenneth, a wire hanger, and a doggy door in order to erase the message while Nancy's out of town on a family vacation. While doing so, he puts together various environmental clues and realizes that Nancy and her husband are on the outs and starts to think he has a chance -- one he might lose when Nancy finds all the webcam pics that luddite Kenneth has inadvertently taken while Jack rifled through the Donovans' things. Kenneth grows increasingly paranoid as Jack avoids listening to the message all night. After the sun rises, Jack finally listens to the message and has a change of heart, only to be dissuaded from his pursuit by Kenneth. Oh, but there's more! Kenneth realizes that Nancy's voicemail security code spells the name "Klaus," which was Jack's name in the German class he and Nancy took back in high school.
In a Jennanco -- or "James," as those less-than-creative tabs call them -- strategy meeting, we learn that James Franco is trying to escape the internet rumors that he's in love with a Japanese body pillow shaped like a lady (which he totally is). Their pap-filled courtship is everything Jenna could ever dream of -- except that it's not real and must eventually end. Jenna, for perhaps the first time ever, has a crisis of conscience about the set-up. She breaks up with Franco and encourages him to pursue his taboo love for a pillow.
Lemon's cousin comes prancing into town chock full o' naïveté, much to Lemon's chagrin. He picks up about a thousand men before Lemon tries to ship him back home where he belongs. But he outwits Lemon by -- fittingly -- throwing her in a closet, then takes off to find the love of his life, a sailor whom he plans to wed in Massachusetts. Lemon catching him announcing this with much panache and subtlety on The Today Show and intercepts him again. He refuses to leave New York until he shows her what living's all about. That's right! It's a big, gay night on the town for Lemon! As luck would have it, when you throw some cosmos into Lemon, she ends up having a three-way with Franco and his lady pillow. The morning-after awkwardness alone is enough to send Randy running back to rural Pennsylvania.
And Tracy starts to see the error of his scoundrel ways when he hits on a back-up dancer named Virginia. Coincidentally, this is the very name he was planning on giving to his future daughter. He realizes that every woman is someone's daughter, and it kills his hard-on. Tracy takes Grizz, Kenneth and Dot Com to task for harboring disrespectful emotions, haircuts, and literary preferences toward women, respectively. He resolves to bring a woman into the entourage. Which I'm sure will go down about as smoothly as a spoon in a blender…
The gang is back at 30 Rock for 2010. Lemon asks Jack how his New Year's Eve was. Long story short, his "dear friend, the deep sea explorer Bob Ballard" gifted him with an ancient decanter of wine... which turned out to be quite toxic, sending everyone to the backyard for communal retching. Lemon says that sounds horrible, but Jack reassures her that it was actually a sort of purifying experience. Now his old flame Nancy is out of his mind and out of his life -- conveniently, since she hasn't phoned him for a while. Lemon shares that one of her cousins, Randy from a rural coal mining town, came out to the whole family... and by "came out," she means she drunkenly outed him.
They head over to the elevators, where they find Tracy. Jenna scampers in to tell them about her wonderful New Year's with James Franco's manager. They set up a sham romance between Jenna and James to dispel rumors about some of James's sexual proclivities (no details yet). Lemon disapproves. Jack thinks it'll provide excellent publicity for the show. He tells Lemon to set up a meeting with the Franco to make sure Jenna's taken care of. Tracy chips in that he may have impregnated Angie on New Year's Eve. The others quickly stop him from detailing his night as they did. Credits.
Jack heads upstairs, where Jonathan expectantly asks about his New Year's. Jack takes a look at his Blackberry and runs off in shock. The breeze from Jack's swift departure still rolling across his lapel, an exasperated Jonathan spills that he met his birth parents over the holiday.
Downstairs, Jack runs into Lemon's office to tell her he drunk-dialed Nancy Donovan after consuming too much ancient wine. Cerie notes that he hit pound after dialing the number, so he probably just left her a voicemail. He scuttles Lemon out of her chair so Cerie can check Nancy's YouFace page, which shows that she's at the beach with her husband. He notes that she's with her husband, probably having "beach sex -- which is the third best sex after elevator and White House." Lemon looks on the bright side that Nancy may not have received the message, since she's out of town. Jack declares that he's "Lemoned" the situation and must set it right. Jack runs out, Cerie struts out, and Lemon hopes that people aren't using her name as a verb now -- unless they mean "doing it awesome."
Later, Lemon and Jenna meet with James Franco and his agent. Jenna falls all over herself flirtatiously while Franco lays out the game plan: They met on the set of a movie that will never be released, and from now on they'll have five dates a week and one fight per month in a Jamba Juice (product placement). The agent hands out non-disclosure agreements, and Lemon asks what Franco's trying to hide. He asks if she's familiar with Japanese moe relationships between men and body pillows with women painted on them. Lemon says she is not. Franco's all, "Me neither! Isn't that crazy?" Except... pan right, and there's "Komiko," his companion. Jenna interrupts to ecstatically sign her agreement.