Lemon heads outside and runs into Jenna, who is miffed that Lemon stole her magazine cover. Lemon's "birthing a chicken on the toilet" shot sealed the deal. Once Lemon sees the mortifying image, she realizes that Jenna wasn't only serving herself when she tried to advise Lemon on poses. Jenna says she hopes Lemon is happy with how much she has embarrassed herself. In fact, Lemon is pretty happy. She's on the cover of a magazine!
Elsewhere, Jack pulls Milton out of a studio tour to come clean. Jack asks Milton if he knows Colleen. Milton reminisces over their times together, and Jack tells him that he is his son. Milton immediately gets that the contest is "some Mamma Mia thing." Jack reiterates that he is Milton's son, and they have a teary reunion right out of the story books. Says Milton, "Fate has brought us together, Jack. You've opened a whole new chapter in my life. I need a kidney!" He goes in for a great big bear hug, encircling a now roped-in Jack with his love and failing organs. And that would be the "weird third thing" Lemon assured Jack would not come to pass. Get it? Pass? Like a kidney stone? Yeeeeeah...
Who's up for some jokes about ice chips and race relations and old people? I know I am!
Sounds Italian Enough for Me
Jack: You know what family means to me, Lemon? Resentment, guilt, anger... Easter egg hunts that turn into knife fights. Why would I want to invite more of it into my life? Why would I want more family?
Lemon: Because maybe he's awesome. Look, why don't you just ask your mother who it is?
Jack: No, not Colleen. She had her reasons for keeping this from me for 50 years, and I don't want her to relive it. Also, I want something really juicy to whisper to her on her death bed.
Deadbeat Dads & Demoralized Dogs
Tracy: Come on in, Jack, I'm just practicing sitting.
Jack: Tracy, why don't you ever try to find your father?
Tracy: Because he's dead.
Jack: How do you know?
Tracy: Because I'm rich, and if that man was alive, he'd be living in my pool house, and I'd be paying him $200,000 a year to mow my lawn.
Jack: Exactly. That's all family is: A drain.
Tracy: I feel like you're not telling me something, Jack. Let me guess. You bought a sidecar for your motorcycle, and your dog won't stay in it?
The Jenna Formerly Known As Lizzie Grubman
Jenna: This is it! This is the defining thing of my life. It's not going to be that hit-and-run!