Lemon finds Jack outside of 30 Rock the morning that the GE logo is officially replaced by Kabletown's. Jack takes a pause to reflect on his 30 years of service to NBC under GE. Thankfully he begins speaking again before Lemon can launch into "The Circle Game." Jack likens himself under this new leadership as an intrepid explorer, off to explore new territories. Lemon, meanwhile, is only concerned with getting a new employee ID. The last time she posed, she was holding in a "snart" (sneeze + fart), and it came out at exactly the wrong time. Jack rebuffs her answer to tell him what a "snart" is, but he gets an ear- and a nose-full anyway because she lets one rip as they walk in the building. Credits.
Lemon walks into the studio and beholds her new -- and still horrendous -- employee ID. Pete tells her that today Tracy is phoning it in, literally. Lemon marches over to Tracy's dressing room to ask when he'll cease these antics. He assures her that after he wins awards for Hard to Watch, it won't get any better. He says, "When you win an Oscar, it opens up an elite level of actor craziness: Throwing telephones at hotel employees, speaking to the UN about some messed up crap in Africa, and I'm definitely getting a private island." Like Jack, Nicolas Cage, Celine Dion, and Lost's Charles Widmore before him, Tracy is entering a whole new world of possibilities. Lemon tells him he has two choices: to stay in his room like a child or get up and go to work. Tracy stands up and walks toward the door. This ratifies Lemon until he informs her he's not going to rehearsal, but rather "to get a sandwich and then eat it on the toilet."
Out in the corridor, Lemon finds Kenneth in his NBC Page dress blues, which looks not unlike a Civil War uniform complete with sword. Kenneth tells her he wants to look good in case he's filmed for Queen of Jordan. Lemon didn't approve any filming at TGS, but Kenneth tells her Jack approved it after Kenneth couldn't put the paperwork in her mailbox for all the unread adoption materials. Lemon continues down the hall and finds Lutz, who thinks he'll look better on TV with a big hoop earring (in his left ear?), some guyliner, and thong underpants -- no tush lines!
Lemon heads upstairs to grouse at Jack that he's exacerbating her Tracy problems by allowing cameras into her workplace. He coolly informs her that reality TV is what pays for TGS to keep running. It's cheap, easily promotable, and utterly replaceable. Lemon argues that they are in a new Golden Age of scripted TV, and he grabs her and shushes her patronizingly. He tells her he's beginning Phase Two of his Jack Attack on Kabletown. In doing research, he's realized that celebrity disaster benefits have been the most successful reality events in recent years. As such, he has found a way to get the edge over other networks when the next disaster strikes -- pre-tape a slew of telethons for various disasters. Lemon thinks he's stirring up some bad karma. She begins to tell the story of how she stole a cab from a pregnant lady on crutches that morning, when bam! A piece of tile from the ceiling falls on her head. Karma. Jack argues that it's a win-win because the victims will still get money, as will NBC. He tells her to enlist Jenna to sing, and before he even gets the words out of his mouth, Jenna chimes in, "I'll do it! But I hate my dress."
Jack visits the writers' room and tasks them with conceiving of any and every potential natural disaster that might prompt a celebrity benefit. He halts speaking abruptly, shoots a disgusted look at Lutz, and leaves the room. Toofer says he just finished a screenplay with a tidal wave. Frank pitches in the possibility of a tornado hitting a handgun factory. Kenneth suggests another flood like from the days of Noah, except on his reverend's ark, only teenage boys are allowed. Pete says that, due to "global weirding," all these things and more are possible. Frank recalls anxiously, "There was a cyclone in Brooklyn last year. It destroyed two vintage T-shirt stores and a banjo." Pete realizes TGS is ill-equipped to respond to such a catastrophe and proposes they formulate an emergency plan in case calamity strikes. Kenneth continues on his weird riff, "Everyone needs an emergency plan. For instance, right before the ark leaves, I'm supposed to castrate Reverend Gary."
Studio. Lemon is surprised to find that Tracy has actually shown up for work. Dot Com fills her in that Tracy is putting on a show for the Queen of Jordan crew so he doesn't compromise his Oscar chances. Tracy calls for another rehearsal from the top so he can get the scene perfect -- "Because 'Perfection' is my middle name: Unclaimed Perfection Baby Boy." As Tracy gets to work, a devious smile crosses Lemon's face.
Back in the writers' room, the staffers map out their plan of escape. Pete thinks everyone has a skill that can help them in their quest to Frank's mom's house in Queens. The only one left out is Lutz. He surprises the other by saying he has a car. The only snag is that it only fits four people. They devise to have a competition to earn a spot in Lutz's car.
Out in the corridor, Lemon approaches Tracy, who is followed by the camera crew, and ropes him into staying late and doing all the work he's been avoiding for the last five years. Since he can't act up in front of the producers, he has to put on a pained smile and agree to her demands. He assures her that he didn't have plans, certainly not buying two blimps and crashing them into each other to see what sound they made. The producer begs them to hash out whatever conflict exists between them, perhaps one that ends in a racial slur. Instead, Lemon informs Tracy that he's going to attend a fundraiser at her cousin's dance studio. Lemon asks, "So we're good?" Tracy grits his teeth and responds, "Never better. I'm as happy as a clam who wants to shoot some woman." They part ways, smiling broadly and shooting daggers into each other with their eyes.
Studio. Jack coaches Robert DeNiro on his performance for the various telethons they're pre-taping. DeNiro seems uncomfortable with this plan, but Jack threatens that he'll feed MSNBC the information that DeNiro actually grew up in England. So the taping begins. About the time DeNiro gets to "These super-intelligent sharks..." Jack knows he has a cash cow on his hands. Perhaps a rabid one that will attack a dairy farm!
Lemon enters Tracy's dressing room to lay some more responsibilities on him. Instead of smiling and playing along, Tracy sings his refusal to the tune of "Uptown Girl." He has found a loophole: The reality producers can't use any licensed music. He uses it to brilliant effect, sing-songing that Lemon is a "four-eyed douche" and a "dirty ho." Flustered, Lemon joins in the song, albeit with less skillful rhyming, and they have it out to Billy Joel's greatest hits. She backs away, blasting the "Whooooooooa" part at him. He snaps and whoas right back, and it seems they have reached a stalemate.
Jenna tapes her song for the benefit against a green screen:
The thing that happened
Was so sad.
We can't believe it got so bad