Jack is on the verge of a perfect day of decision-making and problem-solving -- a sacred event known to the rich and powerful as "Reaganing." He has but two obstacles in the way of him batting 1000. The first is Lemon, who needs a ride to Newark Airport to see Carol. It seems simple enough, until she reveals that she's going to break up with Carol. The plot thickens when it comes out that she's calling it off due to her own sexual dysfunction that stems from a particularly traumatic childhood incident involved roller skates and a Tom Jones poster.
This problem stymies Jack, who escapes the car in bumper-to-bumper traffic caused by none other than Tracy. Jack's confidence is shaken as he sees that Tracy is doing his damndest to botch one line in a commercial he's court-ordered to appear in (as community service) for the Boys & Girls Clubs of America. As he doubts himself, Jack spots a jar of jelly beans (Reagan's favorite) on the craft services table, and deploys them so Tracy's mouth will be moving, thus making him look like he's speaking, while Jack flawlessly delivers the one line in Jordan-speak. With his confidence back, Jack deduces that Lemon's dysfunction with Carol, and other boyfriends, stems from reminders of Tom Jones that have haunted her for years. He thus single-handedly saves her relationship and becomes a legitimate Reaganer.
Back at 30 Rock, Jenna gets a prestigious "Free Ice Cream for Life" card from Carvel. She sends Kenneth to order a cake with her card, but it comes back with a typo, so she tells him to return it. The cashier accidentally refunds Kenneth the cash for the cake that he never paid for and thus a scheme is born. They blather, chintz, repeat about five times before Jenna is found out. Kenneth has promised money to his family and pigs back in Georgia, so they welcome well-known swindler Kelsey Grammer into the fold for one last job. They successfully buy 21 cakes with TGS money, return empty boxes and snag an $800 take between them. While success only augments Jenna and Kelsey's conniving ways, Kenneth realizes their machinations are not without victims and decides to leave his grifter days behind him.
30 Rock. Jack pitches a nightmare of a reality show to an executive friend while Jonathan marvels at his grace, power, and acumen. He grows frantic the minute Lemon arrives because he doesn't want Jack's winning streak to be thwarted. On the contrary, Jack calls her in, assured of his own hot streak. "When you're pitching a perfect game, you don't walk Albert Pujols," he tells her. "And you are the Albert Pujols of having problems." Lemon approaches, wary that she'll mar his record, but he's high off of a wonderful 24 hours including a rollicking session of lovemaking with Avery, for which she wrote him a thank-you note.
Jack thinks that he's entered a magic zone of error-free living called "Reaganing." He tells her, "The only people who have done it are Lee Iacocca, Jack Welch, and -- no judgment! -- Saddam Hussein." He asks what Lemon wants. She needs a ride to the airport to see Carol, and the Greece-Pakistan soccer game is putting a crimp in her plans. He says it's no problem. He'll drop her off himself and swing by MSNBC afterward. (As a former MSNBC employee who made the transition to 30 Rock, I'll forgive this little sic, but after last week's live show -- which apparently many people other than me enjoyed -- my home girl Tina is on thin ice. Don't get it twisted, Fey.) Says Jack seriously "I need to talk to Rachel Maddow. Only one of us can have this haircut." With that, the ice just thickened significantly. Credits.
Downstairs, Tracy finds Kenneth to inform him he needs to cancel his gig hosting the MTV International Awards. He has been offered a chance to shoot a commercial for The Boys & Girls Club. "I just can't turn down community service," he says, "because if I do, that judge'll make me join the Coast Guard." Jenna doesn't know why she didn't get the offer to host the international awards since her single "Choke Me, Choke Me, Teeheeheeheehee" is a smash hit in Japan. She has, however, gotten a very prestigious "Ice Cream for Life" card from the Carvel Corporation after performing (albeit a bit too seductively) on their Thanksgiving float the year prior. She sends Kenneth to get an ice cream cake for the crew -- mainly so one of the camera guys will stop boring her with anecdotes about his new baby.
Elsewhere, Lemon and Jack wait out the traffic at the Holland Tunnel. Jack notices that she's biting her nails, which either means she's nervous or has recently handled ham. It turns out to be the former as she tells him she's going to break up with Carol. He runs down the list of possible reasons (he saw her eating spaghetti, she developed a fungus in her shower), but she doesn't want to get into it. Jack reminds her that she's not exactly a secretive person and deduces that her problems with Carol might have to do with sex. She admits that she and Carol are indeed having an intimacy problem, specifically a performance issue. Having encountered this difficulty himself ("before Greta VanSusteren got her head transplant") Jack offers to call Carol, but Lemon stops him because the intimacy problem lies with her. At which point the driver elects to roll up the sound-proof barrier. At which point Jack wishes he had a sound-proof barrier.
Meanwhile, Tracy is on set for his commercial. The director, whose career he single-handedly ruined during the production of Garfield 3, has conceived of a Touch of Evil-esque single shot format that involves a lot of coordination. More to the point, a lot more coordination than is possessed by Mr. Tracy Jordan. Tracy only has one line yet refuses to be bothered with it. "Scripts just get in the way of my process," he says. "Let's just shoot a hundred of these and see what we get." Maybe they should replace Jack's horrible reality show idea with this day. Eat your heart out, Big Brother live shows!
Back at the studio, Kenneth delivers the cake Jenna asked him to buy. She doesn't approve because they wrote "Jenny" on the cake, and she doesn't want "wheelchair Jenna from Accounting getting all the credit." She tasks Kenneth with picking up a replacement cake, but he takes issue with how wasteful it will be. He comes from a pig farm where times are tough. They've even had to sell off some of their own, whose names are Sally, Julie, and Poppy. Jenna's assumes the names belong to his pigs. Kenneth hesitantly agrees.
Back in the limo, Jack says it's understandable Lemon is hung-up sexually since she's such a prude. Lemon disagrees with him, but he calls to mind all the instances in which she's been grossed out by his allusions to sex. Best one? When Lemon says the word "lovers" bums her out unless it's in between the words "meat" and "pizza." Lemon sarcastically apologizes for being "a real woman and not some oversexed New York nympho like those sluts on Everybody Loves Raymond." Jack thinks Lemon is the greatest challenge he or any potential Reaganer will ever face and vows to "fix" Lemon. She admits she's had this problem a few times before. He tells her to "dive into the sexual abyss" so he can ascertain if this problem has something to do with her past. He pushes until she lashes out and screams at him to "stop asking about the roller skates!" Well that's not awkward at all.
Boys & Girls Club commercial. The director yells action. Glorious music swells as the camera pans across a flurry of activity: A kid spins a basketball on his finger and shoots a two-pointer, girls jump Double Dutch, a boy does a front flip, another whizzes past Tracy on his skateboard. And it's all for naught because Tracy doesn't know his line. Of course that doesn't mean he is any less self-assured in his right to speak freely: "What's my cue? You know what? It doesn't matter. I don't know my line!' The director is frustrated that they're holding up traffic and burning daylight. Tracy insists that they're lucky to be getting paid to make dreams come true, then orders for someone to get him a Jolt Cola, even though they no longer exist.
30 Rock. Kenneth returns with the $23.94 he got from returning "Jenny's" cake. Yes, that's right, the one she didn't have to pay for in the first place. Jenna senses that there is a plan in all this that's bigger than both of them. She decides to relive her years grifting with Verna, and Kenneth is thrilled to be in on anyone else's plans. A few intentionally botched cakes later, they're $95.76 richer.
Limo. Jacks asks Lemon about the roller skates. She shifts uncomfortably in her seat and wonders what is causing the traffic jam. Cut back to Tracy's commercial. Once again, everything happens on cue. It all leads up to Tracy, who smiles broadly and announces with gusto, "I'm sorry, I have an erection! I think it's the sound of the skateboard. We're going again, everybody safely back to one." Back in the limo, Jack insists he's unstoppable and suggests that Lemon pretend she's telling her story to "The Gipper" himself. He does a pitch-perfect accent that is just creepy enough to force Lemon's hand. She tells him of a time when she was nine years old and skating in the house. Long story short, she was preparing to visit the bathroom and tried to take her undies off over her skates. She fell and took down a poster of Tom Jones with her. Her mother found her, assumed the worst, and took away all her posters. She squeaks, "She took away all the people, Jack! Sex makes the people go away!" Jack takes this opportunity to exit the car and check on the traffic. Wise move.
30 Rock. When Kenneth hands Jenna another Carvel refund, she realizes he's not comprehending their scheme and explains it to him. Naturally he objects, but Jenna hands him his cut and explains how much good he can do for his community back home with their take. Kenneth delights at the chance to buy those magic beans from the old hermit in the woods.
Boys & Girls Club commercials. It's another perfect take for the kids as we pan across to Tracy, who has taken off his top. He screams out, "Shirt on or off, Sean?" The director yells angri