Christmas is upon 30 Rock, which means a whole lot of scrambling… and disaster. In the most sweeping plotline, the writers invent an entire religion and/or holiday (Verducchianism) in order to avoid Kenneth's stringent Secret Santa rituals. Said religion involves free sausage pizza, the healing power of root beer, bisexual polygamy, and MerlinPeen (don't ask). Tracy eventually exposes their lie to Kenneth, causing him to lose all faith. For Kenneth, losing all faith apparently means developing five-o'clock shadow. Eventually, though, all the writers are punished for the heathenism. More on that later…
Jack -- via the hot new social networking site "YouFace" -- reconnects with an old flame, Nancy Donovan from Bean Town. They both have the most insane Boston accents, like, ever. Under the advisement of Cerie, he grows increasingly fascinated with her as she changes her relationship status from "Married" to "Working On It" to "Weirdsies." They go out on a solo date, which reminds Jack of what his life used to be like before he was a high-powered executive. Nancy returns and gives Jack the greatest gift of all -- a reminder of what it was like to be his high school self. More on that later…
Elsewhere, new cast member Danny proves to be much more talented than expected. Jenna, who is -- as we know -- paranoid beyond all belief, finds this development most startling when Pete gives her annual solo to Danny. So Jenna flips out and appeals to Danny's sympathy by explaining that singing Christmas carols gives her a nostalgic feeling about the days she spent distracting mall cops while her mother was shoplifting. God bless him, Danny biffs his part to ensure Jenna can remain the star of the show.
And, in the plot that ties it all together, Lemon looks for a Christmas present for Jack. They agree to spend zero dollars in pursuit of their gifts. Said endeavor is just about as successful as you'd expect. And includes Juno references. Jack sends Jonathan on a completely un-reimbursed wild goose chase around Pennsylvania to find a program from the gender-blind Crucible production Lemon was in. Yeesh. But Lemon provides the pièce de résistance as she calls in a bomb threat to Penn Station -- under Frank and Toofer's names -- to keep Jack's paramour Nancy in town. Imprisonment and adultery -- the gifts that keep on giving! Merry Xmas, everyone!
30 Rock. Cerie and Lemon go over her Christmas gifts. She's foregoing the skinny jeans for Pete and giving him a Cheese of the Month Club subscription. For Jenna, a jigsaw puzzle of her latest nip slip. For Jack, she's drawing a blank. They've never exchanged gifts before and wonders if it's even necessary. Cerie encourages her.
Lemon heads upstairs to Jack's office, where he is taking a profile picture for YouFace, the hot new social networking site the company has acquired. Lemon broaches the idea of exchanging Christmas presents. The suggestion horrifies Jonathan, but Jack's game. Lemon asks what he wants, explaining that her family members usually just tell each other what they want, and everyone ends up happy. Jack nixes that notion, saying that gift giving is an expression of friendship. They must conjure up what they know about each other and find a gift from there. Lemon guesses that means "bath salts in a coffee mug would be... not it." Credits.
Downstairs, Pete solicits donations for the cleaning ladies' Christmas gift. Danny signs up, but Jenna says she's "doing her own thing this year." I suspect something mind-blowingly vain and useless. Pete grouses about how Jenna doesn't ever chip in because the card implies that everyone helped out. He considers sticking it to her but instead decides to go drink his sorrows away at the Grand Central Oyster Bar.
Over in Lemon's office, Jack comes in to explain that his high school crush Nancy Donovan contacted him on YouFace. Lemon commiserates that she used to have a major crush on Larry Wilcox from CHiPs, and it got "pretty real." Jack marvels that he hasn't seen this woman in 25 years, and now she's trying to reconnect. Jack wonders what it means, so Cerie helps them navigate her page. They learn that her relationship status has gone from "Married" to "Working On It." Meanwhile, Lemon is still trying to type in the address of the site on her computer, only to discover that social networking site YouFace has no hyphen in it. Porn site You-Face does.
Writers' room. Lutz sprints in to warn everyone that Kenneth is coming to force them to draw for Secret Santa. Frank and Toofer moan about Kenneth's insistence on playing such a confusing game that involves giving. Then Kenneth enters the room Godzilla-style, crushing a miniature house as he comes and swatting at ornaments in his Santa hat. Naturally, a token Japanese TGS writer crawls out of the woodwork to scream and flee along with the others. The only ones left are Frank, Toofer, and Lutz. Kenneth asks them if they'll participate, wherein they make up an entire religion just to get out of the game. They claim to be strict Verdukians, they claim, and therefore don't believe in Christmas. What they do believe in is the healing power of root beer, bisexual polygamy, and the high holy day of MerlinPeen. Kenneth wishes them a good MerlinPeen without a shadow of doubt across his chipmunk-like face.