But where's Jack? Jack's in the barber's chair asking for the Ronald Reagan look when Lemon comes to thank him for talking her through the maple-syrup red-alert threatdown. He's getting his haircut for a party honoring Bob Novak and being hosted by John McCain and Jack Bauer. "I don't think he's real," spills Lemon. "I assure you, Lemon. John McCain is very real." Lemon lets out a clunker about not getting peer-pressured into invading Iran and Jack gives her a t-shirt from NBC parent company Sheinhardt Wig Company: Not "Poisioning Rivers Since 1997," it reads.
At Bob Novak's party, Jack has an encounter at the bar with a little lady who you might know from a little-bitty show called The Sopranos. Edie, or C.C., has to dance with Bill Frist, but before she takes her leave, Jack gets complimented on his hair and the sparks begin to fly. Later at the same conservative Republican Bob Novak party, Jack enraptures everyone with a piano rendition of the timeless "What The World Needs Now (Is Love, Sweet Love)." C.C. Soprano looks on glowingly.
It's the next day. Post-coital Jack thanks C.C. for a wonderful night of accident-prone sex on a wheeled ottoman. He turns on the television (television on!) to find the same C.C., his C.C., on a talking-heads news program. C.C. is actually Celeste Cunningham, a Democratic Congresswoman from Vermont, who is protesting the Sheinhardt Wig Company and their dumping of gallons of orange dye into a local Vermont river, turning them all into orange-skinned victims of big business. In the bathroom, C.C. spots Jack's Sheinhardt t-shirt, and the two hastily agree never to see one another again.
That only works, however, if they don't have some kind of cell phone mix-up, which they do. Jack agrees to meet her at the freight elevator. They do, and an argument ensues over the welfare of those little orange kids. Jack asks what happened to C.C. to make her that way; Edie Falco delivers pitch-perfectly my favorite line of the night: "In 1998 I got shot in the face by my neighbor's dog."
A Jack Russell shot C.C. in the face, forcing her to sue the dog and go under the knife for six reconstructive surgeries. But now she's much better-looking, and they even made a Lifetime original about her ordeal called A Dog Took My Face And Gave Me A Better Face To Change The World. It's a very SNL joke, but we do get treated to the other non-Armissen or -Arnett funny SNL cast member, Kristen Wiig. She plays the role of C.C. in the Lifetime original with deadpan bemusement. Back to present, where Jack says a whoreish thing to C.C., who slaps him, kisses him, slaps him, kisses him again. Tracy lurks in the halls, bearing witness to the whole thing, and wants to help Jack with his troubles of the heart.