Three Time's a Harm
Tracy: Celebrities -- they always die in groups of three. Two already died, and I might be the next to go!
Jack: That's ridiculous.
Tracy: I gotta go somewhere where nothing will happen to me. Can you get me on Charlie Rose?
Jack: Tracy, you have nothing to worry about. The Rules of Threes is a myth. It doesn't exist. Like going bald with dignity. That said, I would prefer if you take the next [elevator].

Deli-osophy
Jack: Lemon, if this is going to play out like lunch, I suggest you crack your window now and save yourself the embarrassment in 20 minutes. Now they have hush puppies here, which might know better as a "knish" or a "beignet."
Lemon: I know what you're trying to do, Jack. You want to paint me as this New York snob. Can I share with you my worldview?
Jack: I'd rather hear you sing "Rocket Man."
Lemon: All of humankind has one thing in common -- the sandwich. I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.
Jack: What a surprise, your worldview is food-based!
Lemon: And who am I to say that my delicious Italian sub is better than its Stone Mountain equivalent? Which is why I will have the carp Po' Boy with extra chuckle.

Betty "The Undertaker" White
Betty White: Hello?
Tracy: BOO!
Betty White: Who is this?
Tracy: Hey, Betty, it's TJ.
Betty White: Tracy! I haven't heard from you since that rapping grandma movie we did. You were so funny as the rapping grandma.
Tracy: So how are you feeling? Any arm pain? Shortness of breath? Plans to investigate corruption in Russia?
Betty White: Wait a minute. Are you calling because the Pac-Man guy and Jug Bercody died? Is this a Rule of Threes call?
Tracy: Ummmm, no.
Betty White: Nice try, Jordan. But I am going to be at your funeral. I will bury you!

Annnnd... Bonus Punch Line
Jack [After diarrhea-stricken Lemon abruptly exits]: I have to apologize. You know what they should do with people like her? They should round them all up put them all on an island. Oh wait, they already have. It's called Manhattan!
Receptionist: Down here we call it Sexcriminalboat.