Kids Say the Effed-Up-est Things
Jack: Tracy.
Tracy Jr.: What's up, Donaghy?
Jack: Tracy Jr., to what do we owe this visit?
Tracy: It's Take Your Black Kid to Work Day.
Jack: Do you ever regret having children?
Tracy: Every day. I thought having family was gon' be like The Cosby Show: "Oh no, Vanessa went to a concert." "Oh no, Rudy and I are making a sandwich for 25 minutes." The Cosby Show was a lie. Having a family can be the worst. For example, I have this strip club story from this weekend I need to tell you, Jackie D. It's disgusting. But I can't because I got this little d-bag here.
Tracy Jr.: I know what that means.
Tracy: And yet you won't tell me!
Jack: I've been thinking a lot about family lately, about my legacy. I've been watching a friend go through an ordeal with his children, and it has only affirmed that I was not meant to have any of my own. And that I never will.
Tracy Jr.: It's not that simple. Now, what if a girl tries to trap you, like Nicole tried to do me on the band trip. Bitches can be tricky... I'm goin' to get some strawberry milk. [Walks out.]
Tracy: Whoa, whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa! I mean, having a family is also the best thing a man could-- [Look to make sure Tracy Jr. is gone.] He's gone. So I'm in the strip club with Charles Barkley and one of the hobbits--
Tracy Jr. [walks back in]: Hey daddy!
Tracy: Damn it! I can't live like this! I'm gettin' a vasectomy, too.

Jenna in Charge
Kenneth: Excuse me, Miss Maroney.
Jenna: Kenneth, I'm doing my Kegels right now, what is it?
Kenneth: Well, I've been put in charge of reducing TGS's carbon footprint, and everyone has to chip in.
Jenna: Kenneth, I once took a low-volume shower with Ed Begley, Jr. What more can I do?
Kenneth: Well, let's see... [Pulls out pamphlet.] Minka Kelly says, "My show is about football. There is a football team called The Chargers. Unplug your charger."
Jenna: But Kenneth, I need all of these. This one's for my cell phone. This one's for my laptop. This one's for my erotic massager. And this one's for something personal.