Oh, how I love the smell of punch lines in the morning...
Talk to the Geiss
Jack: Don Geiss is my hero, my mentor, a great man. Holding up one finger to get someone to stop talking -- he invented that.
Lemon: I don't think--
Jack [holds up one finger to shush her]: And now! He's being publicly humiliated by his own family. This is why I'm glad I never had children, and why I never will.
Lemon: Oh, Jack, you don't mean that.
Jack: Geiss also invented the abrupt conversational segue... Talk about your thing now.
The Madonna/Gwyneth/Donaghy School of Real Estate
Lemon: I love my building, but if I'm going to buy a place, it should be a big place where I can have a family.
Jack: Then spend some of your Dealbreakers money. Buy two apartments.
Jack: You know why my place is so big? When I was first married to my ex-wife, we lived in the basement. Over the years, I kept buying the floors above me to make room for the family I thought we'd have. Well now I have something better than a family: A walk-in humidor, a lap pool and a replica of the Irish pub where my grandmother was born.
Think Global, Poach Local
Jack: Kenneth, I have a task for you.
Kenneth: Is it menial?
Jack: As part of NBC's annual green initiative, TGS has to reduce its carbon footprint. I'm putting you in charge of that effort.
Kenneth: [makes quote fingers] "Global warming," sir? I'm sorry. That's just a bunch of scientist talk. Same people that would have you believe my great-grandfather was a monkey. If he was a monkey, then why was he killed by a monkey?
Jack: You're preaching to the choir, Kenneth. I mean, I love the earth. I have these blossoms flown in every morning from Sri Lanka on a private jet. That's the definition of green. And yet they force us to do more... more sacrifices. Why? For the children. What have children ever done for us?
Kenneth: Well, they make our shoes and wallets.
Kids Say the Effed-Up-est Things
Tracy Jr.: What's up, Donaghy?
Jack: Tracy Jr., to what do we owe this visit?
Tracy: It's Take Your Black Kid to Work Day.
Jack: Do you ever regret having children?
Tracy: Every day. I thought having family was gon' be like The Cosby Show: "Oh no, Vanessa went to a concert." "Oh no, Rudy and I are making a sandwich for 25 minutes." The Cosby Show was a lie. Having a family can be the worst. For example, I have this strip club story from this weekend I need to tell you, Jackie D. It's disgusting. But I can't because I got this little d-bag here.