Hospital. When Tracy introduces Jack to his daughter, Jack details his effort to guide his son from the grave. Tracy sagely intones, "You want to make God laugh? Make a plan... or read him a Dave Barry book." He advises Jack not to worry about being old, because he'll never be able to predict what happens in life. To wit, Tracy opens up the blanket in which his infant daughter is supposedly lying, and she's nowhere to be found. Whoops! He just forgot her over in her bassinet. Also to wit, Jack gets a phone call from Avery telling him the ultrasound tech got it wrong, and they're actually having a girl. While Avery frets about her daughter's spatial reasoning and upper body strength, Jack realizes that he must make all new tapes.
Bonus! Jack foregoes Lutz this go-around. Instead, he tells his little girl, "If you have the blondeness and self-esteem of your mother, you will need no advice." Otherwise, it's on to Lemon: "Every human has hair on his or her face, some of us just have more. I think it's nice to occasionally splurge on a straight-razor shave. If you're running low on laundry, a bathing suit makes perfectly acceptable underwear." She also considers bandannas a "fun, sexy" accessory. And on and on...
And if Lemon doling out advice weren't joke enough, you also have these...
Lemon, On Being Cat-Called
Lemon: That's never happened to me before.
Jenna: Well I'm not surprised -- not because you're not cute. You are. Like a pretty refugee on the news. It's because you've always put out this negative energy. But now that you're with someone, you're happy and confident. Guys can sense that.
Lemon: Confident, huh? So can I finally wear that cowboy hat I bought at KISS-FM's Lake Jam '97?
Eyes Wide Donaghy
Jack: Seventy, Lemon. I will be 70 years old when my son graduates prep school.
Lemon: Ugh, come on. Is this about my old dad thing? I was joking!
Jack: Will I even be there for his first subpoena? Will I ever experience the father-son bonding of realizing you were both at the same masked orgy at a castle?
Dr. Spaceman: Good morning! Now, full disclosure -- most of my experience is putting babies in women.
Angie: Oh, I'm gon' kill that man.
Dr. Spaceman: You just described my morning! Now, Mrs. Jordan, I've already administered the epidural. So would you like one as well?