Charity Works Both Ways
Lemon: I didn't know you did volunteer work.
Kenneth: Oh, yes! I also help out at the Pants for Zoo Animals program and Big Brother.
Lemon: Really? I did Big Sister in college. That little girl taught me how to use tampons.
Kenneth: Oh, no. This Big Brother isn't affiliated with the mentoring program. It's an organization that secretly watches people and makes sure they're behaving properly.
Stripe-y Shenanigans, Indeed
Tracy: A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory!
File Under: Slush Fund
Devin: Is it true, Mr. Donaghy, that your executives routinely used company helicopters to dry their home tennis courts?
Jack: Yes and no. Yes that did happen, and no, it didn't not happen.
Devin: And that GE kept a party clown on retainer with a six-figure salary?
Jack: Silly Willy's fee was amortized over all birthdays company-wide.
Devin: I've been told that company money is being gambled at race tracks.
Jack: Yes, but I have a system. [Which he earlier described is based on horse penis size, FYI.]
Devin: In 2007, a GE officer used corporate funds to throw a Cabaret-themed Halloween party on Fire Island.
Jack: As I recall, that was you.
Animal Shelter Volunteer: The most important thing is that you not become emotionally attached to any of [the animals].
Kenneth: I grew up on a pig farm, sir, where all the animals -- even the birds that cleaned our teeth -- were workers, not pets. I never even had a dog 'cause, as my mom would say, "Ya can't eat love." And as my mom's friend Ron would say, "The donkey died. You're the donkey now, Kenneth."
[Walks over to a Maltipoo-type dog and picks it up]
Kenneth: Yep, just another animal. Might as well be a rat... An adorable rat, who shows you it's okay to be scared during a thunderstorm. Why, it seems crazy to me to even give a dog like this a name. For example, Bandit. And that one's Reggie. And up there's Digger!
Volunteer: Okay... the dogs scheduled to be put down today have red tags on them.
Kenneth: I will adopt all of them.