The Farmer & The Derelict
Jack: Milton needs a kidney.
Lemon: Milton as in your dad?
Jack: My dad? I don't know this guy. Professor Milton Green, who's writing a three-volume biography of Jimmy Carter? And if I give it to him he could live to finish it?
Lemon: What are you gonna do?
Jack: I don't know. He's too old for the waiting list, and since Giuliani left, it's gotten tougher to harvest hobo organs, so it's up to me.
Lucas High, Do or Die!
Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, your old high school wants you to speak at graduation. And they said you could drop up to five F-bombs.
Tracy: Not interested.
Tracy: Because Frank Lucas High School was a hell hole. Grizz knows. He was there. A drug dealer named Campbell, he ruled that school. He wanted me to find a snitch called "Baby." Campbell wanted me to cut him open.
Kenneth: Oh my! That's very urban!
High School in Kentucky, Ladies and Gents
Dot-Com: Campbell was actually Mr. Campbell, his science teacher.
Kenneth: His science teacher was a drug dealer? That's terrible! Science was my most favorite subject -- especially the Old Testament.
Dot-Com: He wasn't a drug dealer. Tracy dropped out of high school because Mr. Campbell wanted him to dissect a frog. Tracy couldn't do it. He cried in front of the whole class.
Grizz: It was bad. I had to deny ever being friends with him.
Kenneth: Just like Peter did to Jesus in science!
That's a Deal Breaker, Ladies!
Permatanned Audience Member: This guy I'm dating owns a tanning salon, but he won't let me tan for free, but he lets girls he's friends with tan for free, so I go to this other tanning salon down the street to try not to make it a thing, but you know how there's no secrets in the tanning salon community -- so what should I do?
Jenna: Ummmm... I don't know. Liz?
Lemon: Oh, well whatever that just was, it's a deal breaker, because this guy's making you talk like a crazy person. You have sexually transmitted crazy mouth. Deal breaker!
Homely Woman with Metro Fiancée: My fiancée and I keep arguing about our wedding plans and--
Lemon: Nope! Your fiancée's gay. Look at him, look at you. Classic case of fruit blindness.
Vontella: Fruit blindness?
Lemon: Sir, have you ever kissed a gentleman?
Metro Fiancée: One time in college... and a lot since then.
Dumpy Girl in Muumuu: My boyfriend has been acting really weird since he got promoted at his job--
Lemon: Yeah, he thinks he deserves a vajayjay upgrade. He doesn't. He's not Tom Brady. Shut it down. Deal breaker!
[Average-looking couple stand at microphone]
Lemon: Yeah, there's no such thing as bisexual. That's just something they invented in the '90s to sell hair products. Deal breaker!
[Woman and guy with snake around his neck stand at mic]
Lemon: Only one snake in the bedroom. Deal breaker!
[Shrimpy farmer-like guy and semi-serial killer-looking guy stand at mic]
Lemon: I think you guys are gonna make it.