7th Heaven
A Cry For Help

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Ushering in the crap

Tuneful guitars jingle-jangle-jingle. Lights up on the CamPound. Eric bolts through the kitchen and dashes up the back stairs. Annie, with two golden blond Borg attached to her hands, follows more slowly. She says to her robot brood that she thought she heard Daddy. Didn't SamVid also hear Daddy? Where could Daddy be? You know, that is a really fucked-up question to pose at 8 PM on a Monday night, right before Thanksgiving. There have to be people sitting at home struck right now, just wondering: Where's my daddy? Why did he leave me? Oh, damn you, 7th Heaven! Damn you for opening up this river of pain inside me! I'm just saying. SamVid, who are hulking youths with the language skills of Big Ten fifth-year second-stringers, pose a theory: Perhaps Daddy is hiding? One Borg says, "Hide and seek. Hide and seek." It sounds like, "One of us, one of us." Annie makes it clear that they can play later; right now, the thing is to find their daddy. Another important Camden lesson in how Your Needs Don't Matter Much, Kids. Or, It's About Everyone Else But You, So Deal With It On Your Own Time, Okay? Moving like a bartender facing a pack of snapping, non-tipping patrons at an open bar, Annie and the twins snail towards the stairs. Quick like a bunny, Eric pops in through the other kitchen door and says he was looking for Annie. Annie says she was looking for him. Is anyone else getting that the writers were really, really light on content and plot this week and thought of some "cute," "fun" timewasters to bulk up the episode, like when you put a lot of milk and water in your beaten eggs while making omelets? Well, those omelets taste like crap. As does this episode thus far. Upon seeing their sperm donor (I'm guessing), SamVid say yay, it's their turn, and command that the tall ones in the room count to twenty before coming to look for them. They shamble off, dressed in identical Osh Kosh overalls, going to hide. I bet right now that seeking is not something CamRents like to do.

With the twins out of their hair (finally!), Eric and Annie lean in for a little chat. Guess what, says Eric. Good news! Annie asks if the good news is that Eric will be back at church. Oh, hell no. It's "good news!" Annie is all, when was working at the church "bad news"? Eric supposes that the day it went bad was the day that The Powers That Be (possibly the Lord) decided Eric couldn't do the job on his own and hired an associate pastor. "Yes, it was the day they hired Chandler." Um, but you had BYPASS SURGERY. The church can't shut down because you were ill. Oh, what am I saying. If a Camden gets a hangnail, the whole fucking world should mourn. A twin pops his head back in the kitchen and notes that his parents "aren't counting!" No, they're ignoring you. Just like the rest of the time. Aren't you used to it yet? Eric turns his head partially and counts until the kid disappears. Wow, is that magic? Am I watching Buffy? Can I learn to do that the next time I have to take a plane somewhere? Once freed of their youngest child, part the first, Eric says he has a job. He got a job. Ooh, is it hustling down by the docks? For a whooole nickel? Or sending out spam emails about where to find the WORLD'S BIGGEST C-O-C-K-S? That's a good job, isn't it? Isn't it? Sadly, no. He'll be a DJ at KRHL 109.9. Annie parrots, "KRHL 109.9," as if her husband were speaking Ebonics. It's the college radio station. He'll be playing music! "No worries. No life-and-death situations." They were so desperate that they hired him on the spot, and he starts today! So say a little prayer for him? Cool. This sounds a little too much like Ally McBeal -- you know, how they always were hired last minute and the trial was TOMORROW. As if. He dashes off, and Annie stands in the kitchen, still as a statue, still ignoring her youngest children as they wait for her to "find" them. Keep waiting, kids.

Credits. Seeeaa-venth heaven! When I see their happy faces, smilin' back at me...Seeeaa-venth heaven! Where can you gooo! When the world don't treat you right? The answer is hoooome! Mmmm! Seeeaa-venth heaven! Woof!

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7th Heaven

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