7th Heaven
All By Myself

Episode Report Card
Gwen: D | Grade It Now!
All By Myself

Oh my GAWD y'all I am so totally freaked about this ep! I heard Matt and Shana are gonna SHAG! I don't know if I can hang!

At the CamPound, one of the twins has slopped baby cereal all over himself. "Oh! Oh!" cries Annie, walking up with the other twin in her arms, "Not funny!" The baby looks at her like, "Uh, hello? I didn't think it was funny that you left me here to feed myself, either." One twin has a lot of hair, and the other twin doesn't. In walks Ruthie of Enigmatic Descent. Ruthie can't find her "book bag" and she doesn't remember where she last saw it. Annie, all stressed, asks if she's looked in the living room for it. Ruthie goes, "I like it better when you look." I know, I know! You're thinking she's gonna get dragged to the living room by her ear, or at least confined to her room to say Hail Marys, right? Annie just nods, though. Here comes Simon down the stairs. He wants to know where his blue shirt is. Annie wants to know if he tried the closet. "Yeah," he says, all impatiently and rudely and not-like-you'd-ever-hear-my-kid-talking-to-me-ly. Annie says it's probably still in the hamper because she didn't get a chance to do the laundry yesterday. Simon says (man, I can't believe this crap!), "What were you doing all day?" The HELL? I'm SO SURE. As a mother, this scene offends me more than any porn. I'm especially offended by Annie's weak answer, which was that she had a few other things to take care of. WHATEVER. Oh, but she does make her spooky ugly face. I don't think Simon saw it, though. Here come the Wonder Twins. They're complaining because "Brad and Robbie" haven't called them. Lucy asks her mom's opinion of this outlandish behavior. NOW Annie gets mad. She makes her super-pissed face, throws her hands up and passive-aggressifies, "Can I get back to you on that one?" (Check out that verb I invented: "passive-aggressify." Fresh, huh?) Lucy says something dumb and leaves. Mary goes, "What's for breakfast?" Annie is angry now, and she tells Mary to find something. Mary goes, "Don't you usually make breakfast?" as snottily as is possible to speak to a so-called mother. Annie says to take the cereal, make toast, get juice, and that it's not rocket science. Ooh! Put-down! Not. RevCam shows up with Ruthie's huge red "book bag," which is actually a backpack, which he found in his car. Then he asks Annie WHY it was in his car. Annie makes a super-spooky, super-ugly face and shrugs exaggeratedly instead of just saying, "I don't know and I don't care." Ruthie goes blah-blah-blah. Simon walks in again. Annie tells him, "Uh-uh! Uh-uh! You're not wearing that dirty shirt!" and he says he has to, because Dina or somebody is going to wear her blue shirt, too. Okay, but is Dina gonna stink today? I need to know so I can plan MY outfit. At this point I've had to pause my tape so as to capture this compelling dialogue for y'all. I look up and see Annie's Ultra-Pissed face. It frightens me, but at this point I can't blame her. Feel the anger flow through you, Annie. Take the light saber! A twin is crying. Ruthie says Simon should wear a dress, blah blah, no fair, she didn't know they could have cookies for dinner. Chips Ahoy pays for Mary and Lucy to stand there with a Chips Ahoy bag. RevCam starts to ask Annie why they're eating cookies. Annie makes a frighteningly goofy mime face and points to the Chips Ahoy advertisers. RevCam asks them why they're eating cookies, as the tongue-in-cheek guitar starts up. Matt bursts in and asks if anyone knows where Shana is. Now, Matt, why the hell would they know? Please. The girls shrug and proffer the cookie bag to Daddy Cam. Annie's picking up the now-clean twin as Matt bitchily tells her, "Mom? Little help, please?" "All right! That's it!" says AwakenedFromStuporMom. Please, Annie! Think of the children! She's baring her teeth. She hands the twin to RevCam, who oh-so-hilariously has a cookie hanging out of his mouth. "I need a time-out!" she tells them all. "Did you all hear that? MOMMY needs a time out!" Whoa! She's moving back and forth like a crazed cobra. She grimaces and stalks out the door. She yells "MAAAHH!" Stunned silence ensues. Sing with me now . . .

Seventh heaven!
When I see their helpless faces, rolling eyes at me
(Seventh heaven!)
I know I've got to take off because this crap is getting to me
Where can I go-o-o-o-o-o
When my kids don't treat me right?
The answer's a bar
Where they're having Ladies' Night
Seventh heaven!
Mmm, seventh heaven!
Seventh freaking heaven!

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7th Heaven




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