7th Heaven
An Early Fall

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Sara M: F | Grade It Now!
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They've actually added Jessica Biel to the opening credits, making them longer than ever. It's like you get stuck at a railroad crossing, and you have to wait for this impossibly long freight train to pass. Except then the train wrecks, which would be the show.

CamPound exterior. For the Opening Credits Timewaster, we get to watch O.C.D. Annie scrub the hell out of her glass stovetop. She's got a counter full of cleaning products, but she's elected to use the bizarre cleaning combination of Windex and a toothbrush. Yes, a toothbrush. They always tell you not to clean a glass surface with a brush because it scratches, but Annie's a rebel. A rebel who's going to get little food particles and germs stuck in those tiny scratches that will then transfer to other, soon-to-be-ingested food products, thus giving the entire family E.coli. Sounds fine to me. Ruthie trots into the kitchen and announces her imminent departure. This turns out to be a mistake, as Annie grabs her, attempting to suffocate her youngest daughter within the folds of her ample bosom. Sadly, she is unsuccessful, and Ruthie will live to see another day. Annie can't believe that Ruthie will be in high school next year, or that the twins will be in kindergarten. I can't believe that either, unless it's kindergarten at a special school for the developmentally delayed. And shouldn't those two be in nursery school by now? My parents had me in nursery school by the time I was three years old, the slave drivers. Annie then provides us all with helpful exposition of Simon's current education situation just in case you didn't see last week's episode. Or maybe you did see it, but had to leave the room several times to barf, thus causing you to miss important parts. Ruthie says that Simon's "not going to turn out like Mary." Annie says that that's what she's afraid of. Yeah, it would be just terrible if Simon ended up with an independent life and a full-time job that provides a decent wage. Annie tells Ruthie that Mary is coming back to Glenoak with Simon, and that they'll all be having dinner together. Annie's going to be happy to see Mary because she misses her. Yet for some odd reason, I doubt that Mary misses her. It might have something to do with all the crap her mother talks about her behind her back. Annie claims to want Mary to come back to Glenoak for good. I guess Annie shouldn't have kicked her out, then. Ruthie expresses her doubts that Mary will return "now," meaning "now" that she thinks Mary's pregnant. Annie bends over to stare Ruthie in the face and find out what she means by that. Catherine Hicks has to bend over quite a bit, too. Wow, either Mackenzie Rosman's really short, or Catherine Hicks is from the lost tribe of Amazon women. Ruthie stammers that she has to meet Peter and go to school, before scampering away. Annie rolls her eyes around crazily.

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7th Heaven

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