7th Heaven
And Away We Go…

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Sara M: D | 14 USERS: B+
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And Away They Blow...

So here we are again, at yet another 7th Heaven series finale. They're saying this time, it's for real. They even had a funeral and buried the show in an actual coffin and everything. You know who else had a funeral, though? Jesus. So that really doesn't prove much. But since this does, right now, for all intents and purposes, seem to be the real actual last final episode of This Goddamn Show, I have come back to recap it for you. Did you know that I actually requested this? I CHOSE to do this. Why? I don't know. I guess I hate myself.

Speaking of hate, RevCam comes home and enters that familiar backyard, only to find that a giant-ass bus has driven through the fence and into the backyard, running over whatever flora was unlucky enough to be planted so close to the Camdens. Already, this episode is ridiculous beyond redemption. I'm in for a long ride. The Saxophone of Whatever immediately sets about blaring away, giving my ears flashbacks. RevCam pathetically cries out for Annie, who comes running outside with an uncharacteristic clownface of happiness on. I guess Catherine Hicks is as glad to be free of this as the rest of the world. RevCam, by the way, looks old. But, apparently, not on the verge of death, since that terminal heart condition he was supposed to have that was the only fucking reason why I wanted to recap this episode magically healed itself last week just to screw me over. Annie doesn't even bother explaining what the giant bus is doing in their backyard, which is obviously what RevCam wants to know, and instead says she was calling around to find someone to fix the damage it caused. RevCam asks whose bus this is, and Annie tells him that it's theirs. RevCam thinks she's saying she bought it, and Annie laughs and says she doesn't have that kind of "egg money." They don't even have money to buy eggs at the grocery store. And yet, somehow, they have individual bottles of water.

Octogenarian retired army officer THE COLONEL somehow has piles of money lying around, however, and he's the one who bought it for them to celebrate RevCam's miraculous recovery. Apparently, THE COLONEL didn't have any money left over to pay someone who knew what he was doing to deliver it, as the moron who drove it there left the parking brake off, sending it rolling down the driveway and into the backyard. Or was that intentional? I choose to believe that THE COLONEL, despondent that the son he hates escaped death, paid the delivery guy to leave the parking brake off in the hopes that it would roll into the CamPound and destroy them all, leaving the world a better place. Too bad he missed. RevCam can't believe their good fortune that they actually own something. "If we wanted, we could just...leave," he says as the rusty gears in his mind attempt to turn. No, actually, you couldn't, RevCam. You have a job and a family and responsibilities and stuff. Your daddy buying you an RV bus doesn't change any of that. And yet, RevCam decides he's going to leave tomorrow, and Annie is thrilled with the idea, because she's a nutcase. To celebrate, RevCam finally opens the door and checks out the inside of the RV. Immediately, he notes the presence of a king-sized bed. I supposed it's too much to hope for that it's a bed of nails. Annie follows him inside and they start giggling and having sex. KILL ME.

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7th Heaven

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