7th Heaven
And Away We Go…

Episode Report Card
Sara M: D | 12 USERS: B+
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And Away They Blow...

Now that one cast member has left, another may enter. Kevin comes in and says SamVid are in the RV and their dogs are back home. Why did they even bring them over in the first place? Maybe Kevin likes to bring them over and make them poop in the Camdens' backyard. Lucy asks where Savannah is, and Kevin looks panicked as he says, "Oh, no." He follows this with a dramatic pause while neither RevCam nor Lucy look concerned, then smiles and says she's with SamVid. Is that supposed to be reassuring, that Savannah is in an RV that smells like sex with two retarded children? Anyway, HA HA HA at your clever little joke, Kevbot. Lucy orders RevCam to tell Kevin his news, and Kevin thinks RevCam's instant cross-country trip is an awesome idea. This gets him yelled at by his shrew wife because she was actually telling Kevin to tell RevCam their special news. Before Kevin can do that, Lucy announces that she and Kevin are thinking about moving some place called "Crossroads," which sounds like a cult commune to me. Or a spin-off (shudder).

Annie comes downstairs as RevCam says the prospect of getting Lucy out of his thinning hair is "great news!" Annie agrees, and Lucy looks hurt. She was hoping her family wouldn't want her to leave. After eleven years, she still hasn't gotten the hint. Lucy says that if they do move to Crossroads ["so you won't be lonely, see you at the Crossroads (cross roads, crossroads), so you won't be lonely. And man I miss my uncle Charles, y'all!" -- Bone Thugs-N-Harmony], it will be at the end of this month, which means RevCam and Annie will have to be back from their insane road trip by then. Or not, as Annie says, "Yeah, well, they wanted to get someone younger to step in to run the church, so let them find someone." Meanwhile, I saw last week's episode right before this one, where the entire congregation sat in the church all day waiting to hear word about RevCam's heart condition and then they were all so happy when they found out he was okay. And he's just going to abandon them without even saying good-bye? Asshole. Not to mention that the very foundation of this show is RevCam's devotion to his family and the community he serves, and they're just going to crap all over it. Not like it hasn't been crapped all over before, but still.

Annie clownfaces that they're going on a "long vacation. Maybe even a permanent vacation!" Oh man, Annie's going to kill them all in their sleep, isn't she? She's been waiting a long time for this chance. Kevin's a little slow, so he asks if RevCam's "just gonna walk away from [his] church." "Oh, no, of course not, Kevin," RevCam says. "We're gonna drive away!" It'd be a funny line if it wasn't COMPLETELY FUCKING INSANE. RevCam says he's going to "line up some guest speakers" at the church, and only when that list runs out will he tell the church officials he quit. I guess they won't notice that he doesn't live in town anymore and hasn't been to the office in months? And all the people who rely on RevCam's advice and presiding over their weddings and funerals won't notice either? Maybe he'll stick a life-size cardboard cutout of him in the office that's rigged up to cry. That should fool everyone. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if we're actually watching a life-size cardboard cutout of Stephen Collins right now while he's off working on real projects with Oscar winners. Annie encourages Lucy and Kevin to move to Crossroads, saying Kevin would love to be a sheriff of a small town and it would be "great for Lucy." She doesn't say how or why, though, so I think it's more that it would be great for Annie if her annoying daughter wasn't around so often. RevCam says that if Lucy and Kevin don't want to go to Crossroads, he and Annie might just drive up there and move there instead. Basically, they'll do whatever they can to make sure they're not living anywhere near Lucy and Kevin anymore. Kevin asks which one of them would be the sheriff, then. "Me!" Annie says, followed by "I'm kidding." Yeah, no shit, Annie. We all know what happened the last time you tried to break out of your happy housewife mold and get a job. You became a morals teacher for like two days and then quit and we never heard about it again. Annie says she's sure "Chief Michaels" "could be persuaded" to take the sheriff job in Crossroads so that their reign of terror and control over innocent townspeople could continue. Good for Sergeant Detective Captain Chief Michaels for getting another promotion. Too bad he's still under RevCam's thumb.

Lucy says RevCam has spent most of his life building the church and this community. She can't believe he'd want to leave it. "I'm free!" Stephen Collins says, and he's never looked happier. "And your mother's free! We're all free to decide whatever we want!" This script shows me that even Brenda Hampton hates Brenda Hampton. RevCam calls SamVid and Savannah in for a crap dinner of chicken soup and salad while something tragic happens to Annie's face. I think she's having a seizure! Someone help her -- oh, she's just winking. Never mind.

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7th Heaven

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