7th Heaven
…And Expiation (2)

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...And Expiation (2)

I noticed that my friend Cate was watching this show every week, so I thought I'd check it out for myself.

This episode started with a dramatic recap of the non-dramatic events of last week's episode. Apparently, Mary's act of vandalism is threatening to shatter the Camdens' belief in each other. I'm telling you, guys -- I'm a little frightened. If they stop believing in each other, then . . . then . . . then who in the world will give a crap about them? Sob! Let's watch and find out what happens.

A bunch of legs are walking through the half-light to Mary's cell. Whoa! Mary's in a CELL! Way harsh! Oh, but she's there with a friend. That's not so bad. So the cell is opened and Mary looks up to see the cop and RevCam and SuperMom! D'oh! Cue the sad clarinet! SuperMom looks like she's seasick, but RevCam looks smarmy, like he's always expected this or something. Mary gets out of the cell and the cop tells the CamRents that they'll need a lawyer because Mary's been let out on their recognizance and this isn't over. SuperMom bites her lip to keep from bawling. Someone sprayed Mary with a distilled-water mister, giving her skin a glow. The subset CamFam takes off. Oh, there was another girl in the cell. Oh, well. Who cares about her and her non-recognizance-havin' parents? Loser!

Here are the credits. I applaud the CamRents’ foresight in buying such a large dining-room table, but I also hope that they have a leaf for it somewhere. Also, I see how clever the writers are. It used to be 7th Heaven because there were seven people in the family, but NOW it's 7th Heaven because there are seven KIDS! Way to save the title, guys!

Oh, ha, ha! The new Snickers commercial is funny. You know, the one with the Godzilla-like monster who's destroying a town because he's jonesing for some chocolate?

Anyway. Back at the Camden Compound, we see RevCam watching an old episode of Eight is Enough and muttering determinedly to himself. No, not really. We see Matt coming down the stairs. Ruthie is staring out the window. Lucy is sitting on the couch in her funky yellow bathrobe. Matt goes to look out the window also. Lucy makes a face like a troll and throws a throw pillow at him. Why is she so hostile? Simon shows up with a bag full of junk food. Everyone grabs at it like a pack of starving dogs. Lays pays for some product-placement. Matt says that there's no reason to be nervous. Lucy argues with him and says that the CamRents said Mary was "not hurt," but not that she was "fine." Lucy tells us that she's learned in Student Court that when people start picking their words carefully, it's not good. Oh, shut up, Lucy. Simon says that the place between RevCam's eyebrows was all knotted up. Ruthie says that SuperMom wasn't wearing lipstick, and that she always wears lipstick, even when she goes to Home Depot! Hmm. Suddenly I have a strong urge to eat Lays potato chips and shop at Home Depot. I wonder why. I hope that Lays and the Depot support family values. Oh, and why is SuperMom so vain? Does she get better Home Depot service when she's all tarted up? Viewers, you should always wear lipstick UNLESS you're going to get your demon seed from jail. It's the right thing to do.

So Lucy says Ruthie's right. Ruthie says something dumb like, "You'd better get used to it, 'cause I'm older now, and I'm in the game. The game of life!" Matt smiles as if that was cute. Then Ruthie burps. Someone please put her to bed. She says that when she's nervous, her stomach goes crazy. Simon's does, too. Matt wants everyone to go to bed. He'll fill them in in the morning. Lucy doesn't think so. She makes a face like Franklin the turtle. Oh, wait. That's just her normal expression. In walk the CamRents and the Condemned. Lucy, Ruthie, and Simon pretend to be conked-out on the couches. Mary runs upstairs as RevCam tells Matt, "It's late. We'll talk about what happened tomorrow morning." SuperMom clears her throat as if she's some kind of tough mama laying it on the line or something, and the three brats and Matt go upstairs. Here comes the corny man-and-wife talk. It's supposed to be funny that SuperMom only half-heartedly picks up a Lays bag before sitting amongst the other trash. It says "Lays" right behind her puffy, sad face. "Well, what are we gonna do?" she asks the head of her household. RevCam guesses they'll find a lawyer. "I didn't see this one coming," he says, reaching for her hand. She takes it and over-emotes, "Not this -- no. Not in a million years." A sob creeps into her voice. Lady, if that's the worse thing you couldn't even imagine your kid doing, then you need to open those Sears sage-green curtains and take a look at the world outside the cult you're breeding. Oops. Sorry. That was kind of harsh. Think of it as tough love, though.

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7th Heaven

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