7th Heaven

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1337 USERS: C+
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In reality land, RevCam tells Annie she must really love Rose. "I do," Annie says. Then why don't YOU marry her, Annie? Oh, that's right -- because people like her don't think homosexuals should have the same rights as straight couples. Actually, people like Annie refuse to acknowledge that homosexuals even exist. RevCam says that they might as well start the wedding. "Anything could happen," Annie says. Thanks a lot, Annie; you just sent RevCam back off into fantasy land, which I have a feeling he's a frequent visitor to, so much more pleasurable is it than his real life.

RevCam is about to declare Simon and Rose husband and wife when there's a yell from outside. "Wait!" a man shouts. But no, it's not a man at all -- it's Mary! Holy crap and no way, they got Jessica Biel to come back. She runs to the altar, her arms waving all over the place, and Rose greets her with a scowl and "this isn't another idiot you dated, is it?" Dude, what is it with RevCam fantasizing about his kids fucking each other? Simon introduces Rose to his sister, and everyone hugs her. Then Mary makes a speech. She says that "this" isn't right, and she knows because her life is a failure. RevCam and Simon agree. Mary says that marriage is serious and not very easy to get out of. "Yes it is! My parents were married three times," Rose says breezily. "WOW! Did they have any children?" Mary asks. "Me," Rose says, in her "duh" tone. And let the Mary-bashing begin! Even when Mary is actually there, we still must make her evil and stupid or both! Jessica Biel, I hope they paid you a ton of money to do this. I hope you squeezed them for every last cent. I hope your extravagant salary demands are the reason why we aren't seeing anyone like RevCam's parents or sister or that black family no one cares about anymore or Captain Michaels (who may well be the President by now for all I know) or even Martin in this episode. Or, for that matter, Ruthie. Where the hell is she? I secretly hope she's finding her biological parents so that this show can well and truly rest with all its loose ends finally tied.

Mary continues, saying that Rose shouldn't make the same mistakes that her parents or Mary made. She's still panting from her short run down the aisle, too. Probably because Jessica Biel rushed over there from the set of her latest big-budget movie. She tells Rose that there is a whole world out there. "A big world! Like that thing that they have in school! You know, that um, that, that round thing. You know, that, oh! Oh, what do you call it? Uh… " "A globe?" everyone finishes for her. "That's real. Those are real places!" Mary says. Meanwhile, I'm thinking that Mary's lips and nose are not quite so real. Mary tells Rose to "get out there and see the world! Then make your mistakes." It's sound advice that no one in that family except for Mary ever followed.

7th Heaven

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