7th Heaven
And Thank You

Episode Report Card
And Thank You

I don't know about you guys, but I was sort of hoping that our glimpse into the deranged mind of Annie Camden would have, like, evil demons telling her to drown her children and fire all over the place and stuff like that. But no, it's just doofy old RevCam asking the crowd if anyone has any reason why Rose and Simon should not be wed. Rose hands off her bouquet to Simon, lifts up her veil, and announces to the crowd that there's no need for anyone to say anything, because she has decided that she can't marry Simon. She's really sorry, though, and nonsensically tells the crowd that she hopes that "this is the most embarrassing moment you'll ever share with me." It would be awesome if she, like, farted really loud right then so that we'd all know for sure that this was, in fact, the most embarrassing moment ever. And then maybe her tampon could fall out as her crush ran by so she could get the Nightmare of the Month award in YM. Rose nobly says that she's too young to be married, and also understands why her parents got divorced and stuff, like anyone at the wedding would care about that. If I was at a wedding where the bride cancelled it and then started going into her life story, I'd start throwing stuff at her. Simon says he forgives Rose and understands how she feels. In fact, he should have been the one to call it off. "God bless you both for doing the right thing," RevCam says, "and now, let's all celebrate life!" Dork.

In reality land, RevCam tells Annie she must really love Rose. "I do," Annie says. Then why don't YOU marry her, Annie? Oh, that's right -- because people like her don't think homosexuals should have the same rights as straight couples. Actually, people like Annie refuse to acknowledge that homosexuals even exist. RevCam says that they might as well start the wedding. "Anything could happen," Annie says. Thanks a lot, Annie; you just sent RevCam back off into fantasy land, which I have a feeling he's a frequent visitor to, so much more pleasurable is it than his real life.

RevCam is about to declare Simon and Rose husband and wife when there's a yell from outside. "Wait!" a man shouts. But no, it's not a man at all -- it's Mary! Holy crap and no way, they got Jessica Biel to come back. She runs to the altar, her arms waving all over the place, and Rose greets her with a scowl and "this isn't another idiot you dated, is it?" Dude, what is it with RevCam fantasizing about his kids fucking each other? Simon introduces Rose to his sister, and everyone hugs her. Then Mary makes a speech. She says that "this" isn't right, and she knows because her life is a failure. RevCam and Simon agree. Mary says that marriage is serious and not very easy to get out of. "Yes it is! My parents were married three times," Rose says breezily. "WOW! Did they have any children?" Mary asks. "Me," Rose says, in her "duh" tone. And let the Mary-bashing begin! Even when Mary is actually there, we still must make her evil and stupid or both! Jessica Biel, I hope they paid you a ton of money to do this. I hope you squeezed them for every last cent. I hope your extravagant salary demands are the reason why we aren't seeing anyone like RevCam's parents or sister or that black family no one cares about anymore or Captain Michaels (who may well be the President by now for all I know) or even Martin in this episode. Or, for that matter, Ruthie. Where the hell is she? I secretly hope she's finding her biological parents so that this show can well and truly rest with all its loose ends finally tied.

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7th Heaven




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