7th Heaven
And Thank You

Episode Report Card
And Thank You

We cut to a very unfortunate-looking woman who is serving as the evening's entertainment. She'll be singing, too. The first song is for the bride and groom, so Simon and Rose take to the dance floor of the Camdens' backyard. Way to go all out and build a wedding set there, guys. Oh! I see a black guy serving as one of the caterers in the background -- is that Capt. Michaels? The Fat Lady (no, really -- that's WHAT SHE IS CREDITED AS) sings "Embraceable You" and Simon dances with Rose for three seconds before Rose's father cuts in to dance with his daughter. Rose's mother steps up to Simon and tells him that she doesn't know when or if she'll ever see him again, but she wants him to know that she loves him. And with that, they hug for just a little bit too long. Now Rose's mother can be pregnant with twins, too!

Umberto, who only looks like he's pregnant with twins, cuts in and dances with Rose. Annie and RevCam watch, Annie with her mouth hanging open. Simon shrugs and says that Umberto and Rose love each other and he thinks they'll get married. So…uh…I guess that means Simon and Rose didn't get married? And are still friends? And he's fine with some other guy being with his almost-wife? Okay. Great. Whatever.

With that everyone comes onto the dance floor. Adorably, Lucy sets Savannah down, and she and Kevin bend over to dance with her. Ruthie and Scottish Guy dance together. RevCam and Annie dance together.

And then some ugly girl enters the backyard with a red-headed baby in tow. It's that Duff girl's older sister who was on all this season, in keeping with the 7th Heaven tradition of casting popular singers' ugly siblings. Simon sees her and walks up to greet her. He says she's glad she showed up after all, and she asks him what happened. Simon says he and Rose never made it to the church. While RevCam and Annie were fantasizing and wasting our time, real drama was happening that we didn't get to see. Simon and Rose decided that "it wasn't right" for them to be married. Duff only wants to know if Rose said anything to Simon about her or the baby. Simon says she didn't. "Simon…we should talk," Duff says.

But not today! Because that would be something dramatic and worth watching, and this show will leave our airwaves without showing it to us, true to fucking form. Instead, we get a montage of the characters set to "Anything You Want," as they look now and when this all began, so we can all see how bright and happy and young they were and how old and haggard and broken-spirited they are today. And unlike the opening credits, they're featured in order of the kids' ages. And the Brino kids don't get to be in it at all. Ha! And in a particularly frightening choice of lyrics, the Roy Orbison sound-not-alike sings "I pray that you are here to stay." As we now know, those prayers were answered and 7th Heaven, despite having been cancelled months ago and being one of the worst shows in television history, has been renewed for an eleventh season on The CW. Yes, this show was dead and buried, only to come back to life three days later. And if you know what I'm talking about, then you've got an edge on the Camdens, the only churchy family in history with two ministers in it to never mention Jesus.

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7th Heaven




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