7th Heaven
Angel

Episode Report Card
Sara M: F | 2 USERS: F
YOU GRADE IT
I Dream of Weenie

Clad in bathrobes, RevCam and Annie exit the bathroom as he asks her why she's so happy. "Wasn't the past hour reason enough?" Annie says. "Hour? Your watch is broken," says RevCam. Yes, obviously it's about fifty-eight minutes fast. Also, ew. Also, ew again. Also, I just threw up in my mouth and I don't know what to do: should I swallow it or run to the sink to spit it out? On one hand, swallowing barf is gross. On the other, I'm sitting in the chair I bought from Target (the only piece of furniture currently occupying my living room) and it's really comfortable. Decisions, decisions.

Annie says that "it's like my father died and I've gone to heaven." What a selfish bitch. Annie and RevCam lie on the bed in opposite directions, their heads meeting in the center. We get an overhead shot of this, with Annie's face scarily partially hidden in darkness, and RevCam's head upside-down. What a perfect time for a monologue! Annie rambles on about how great it is that they have such a big family and so many friends. "Do you know how many friends we have?" she asks RevCam. "Um...is that counting the people who steal our food?" asks RevCam. "No," says Annie. "Then...zero." Annie keeps going about how lucky they are to have so many kids, and I can only imagine what people watching at home who aren't, for whatever reason, able to have kids must be thinking right now. Probably something along the lines of "I must kill Brenda Hampton, and then myself." Annie goes through a list of her children and their spouses, giving special attention to Kevin and completely skipping over Simon. Annie says that instead of feeling sorry that her dad is dead, she's just happy that he lived. Sigh. That's one of those notions that's great and totally practical in theory but that, when you're faced with the actuality of someone close to you dying, doesn't ever fucking work. Not until a lot of time has passed, anyway. Which makes this show totally offensive to any viewers who have ever experienced loss. Which is probably just about all of them. So, great fucking job, Brenda.

Annie actually says she's grateful to be a great mother, the kind of great mother that locks her children in the garage and leaves her young sons home alone while she runs off to "help" her elderly neighbors elope. "I really am happy," Annie says, her voice completely devoid of joy. As it always is. Annie asks RevCam what makes him happy, leading us to a close-up of RevCam's face as he lists them. Except that he's upside-down the entire time, so it's just distracting and stupid. Annie says that the improvement in her mood seems to have made everyone else's mood better, too. That should probably tell her something about how when you're a total bitch to everyone all the time, they're miserable, but it doesn't. Suddenly, Annie's face turns angry and she stares directly at the camera and says: "But I'm not high." I believe it was at this point that I realized that this show had passed some kind of point of no return and that nothing would ever be the same again. Annie asks RevCam what he's "up to." He will only say that Annie will "love it," then asks her what she's up to making Lucy and Kevin spend more time together. They agree to make an exchange of information. Of course, we won't be seeing that.

Chandler drives up to a house. A ten-minute close-up on the house number says it's "4701," like, okay, we get it. Show something else already. We cut to Chandler's puffy face, and I immediately regret my words.

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7th Heaven

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