7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Sara M: F | 2 USERS: F
I Dream of Weenie

Over at middle school, Peter and Ruthie are having a very realistic discussion about their possible future marriage plans. "You know I love you in a fourteen-year-old first-crush kind of way," Peter says. Dude, I am sorry, but there is no way that he is fourteen. Even if he is fourteen in real life, he's not fourteen. I never knew a fourteen-year-old boy whose voice hadn't at least begun to change. Ruthie won't return the love sentiment, although she does say that she hopes they get married "someday." Like maybe next year, when they are of age according to this show's bizarre version of reality. Ruthie says that she's fourteen, and again, no way. I was a late bloomer myself, okay, and I was still a lot further along by fourteen than Ruthie. Especially considering that she supposedly had her period already. In the end, Ruthie admits to Peter that she does love him -- "in that fourteen-year-old first-crush kind of way. Honey." At least Mackenzie Rosman has the sense to look utterly ashamed of herself after saying that line.

Ew, Asslee's face is all up in my screen. Good thing she moves it around so damn much, thus rendering any and all tight close-ups of her extremely brief. Anyway, Asslee is talking to Martin about skipping class to go to the beach with him. "I said I was happy, not completely and totally irresponsible," Martin says. What a dork. Asslee says that she, too, is a dork and wouldn't even consider skipping class. Martin tells Asslee that she looks "really nice" today, so obviously he's blind as well as lame, and suggests going to the beach on the weekend. With her parents. Asslee doesn't think that will give them much opportunity to make out. One wonders if this was Martin's ulterior motive all along, although he says that he just wants to be around a family, even though his dad is in Iraq and his aunt is in New York. Because his dad is a Marine. In Iraq. Fighting as a marine in Iraq. Martin says he likes Asslee's parents. Martin may be the worst judge of people in the history of the universe. The couple hold hands and confirm that they are both feeling happy, as is Annie.

Chandler answers the phone, huffing and puffing from the effort of lifting the receiver all the way up to his ear. It's Roxanne. She's sorry she missed his call last night. "You're not dating anyone, are you?" Chandler asks. Roxanne immediately freezes up, terrified that this puffy, sweaty man will ask her out. But no, he just wanted to know if Roxanne wants to have a kid. Roxanne tells Chandler that if she doesn't want to date him, then she definitely doesn't want to have a baby with him. Ha! I love how Roxanne takes every opportunity to diss Chandler. She asks Chandler if he's feeling okay. "I'm a little stressed, but I know I'm talking to a cop so I don't think you'd understand," Chandler says. What? Roxanne offers to have dinner with Chandler, saying he sounds like he needs a friend. Chandler says that he does need someone, but that there's finally someone who needs him, too. Roxanne decides that she's had enough of this conversation, and doesn't press him for further details.

RevCam's in his home office when Chandler walks in. RevCam tells Chandler that he looks a little "frazzled," prompting Chandler to spend the next five minutes telling him what we all just spent the last forty minutes watching. He tells us about how Angela "disappeared into thin air" after talking to him, which is totally not true, but since he also describes Angela as "cute" and "young," one would guess that Chandler's not thinking straight. RevCam says he has to go, but tells Chandler to meet him at Pete's Pizza later tonight. Then he bolts out of there and into the kitchen, where Annie starts nagging at him about something or other. RevCam tells her not to say anything to Chandler about what they talked about last night (one would hope not during their bathroom sex. Ugh). "Something went very, very wrong," he says, then runs out the door. He's right. Something has gone very, very wrong.

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7th Heaven




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