7th Heaven
Anything You Want (Pilot)

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Anything You Want (Pilot)

The pilot episode begins with a super-exciting view of the CamBoudoir in the morning. First we see their dresser, which has a bunch of crappy fake antique-like stuff on top of it. So, are you hooked on this show yet? How about if they treat you to a view of the charming French doors? No? Eventually, they get around to showing the CamBed, where RevCam is just waking up. And he's got a big smile on his face. I hope they're not going where I think they're going with that. Ugh -- I guess they are, since RevCam is reaching for Annie, and I think it's safe to say he's hoping for a little early-morning action. You'd think one look at her dreadful case of bedhead would be a total turn-off, but, amazingly, he's still interested. All right, CamRents, if you're really going to go ahead with this, at least you'll be responsible and send out a good message by using a condom, right? Right?

Fortunately, they've got an even better form of birth control, as Ruthie and her Shirley Temple 'do walk into the room. Nothing better than a reminder of past mistakes to keep you from making future ones, you know? Ruthie jumps into bed and wants to know what everyone's doing. Annie says they were "just getting up." Please, I really can do without an update on what's happening with the old CamSchlong.

Next to arrive is Simon. His hair actually looks half-decent, but there are plenty more seasons for that to change. Simon is hungry, and apparently he's too stupid to figure out how to fix himself a bowl of cereal, so he's come whining to his mother to be fed. At least when pets do that, they're cute. And they can be forgiven because they don't have opposable thumbs.

With the arrival of Lucy, I realize what's happening here. It's time to introduce all the CamKids, from youngest to oldest. Well, isn't that darling? The only thing missing is little signs around their necks to tell us who everyone is. I'm a little surprised that the CamRents don't at least say each child's name in a contrived fashion as he or she walks in. Before Lucy's even in the room, she perkily asks, "Hey, what's going on?" Her puffy bangs remind me of a particularly fake-looking Barbie doll I once had. After whining that she's hungry, Lucy plops herself on the bed with everyone else. When someone knocks at the bedroom door, she takes it upon herself to order the person to "come in," even though this isn't even her bedroom.

Who's next in age? Ah, right -- that would be Mary. She says she was wondering where everyone was. Considering that her siblings have only been in the CamBoudoir for about thirty seconds, she must keep pretty close tabs on them all. It's obvious that she's already displaying an early aptitude for stalking. Good for you, Mary! You just keep up that achieving spirit, okay?

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7th Heaven

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