7th Heaven
Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do

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Pregnant cause
Yes, I'm guest-recapping another stupid episode of stupid 7th Heaven. I mean, this is what happens to you when you don't have a show of your own. In some ways, I have sympathy for Sara M for having to watch this show, but the way she goes about getting someone to cover for her is not unlike when the A-Team needed to get B.A. on a plane. I'm hanging out, Sars and Sara M sidle up and start making some small talk about how Sara M's going on a trip or whatever, and I'm doing my best to ignore that because I know what's coming, so I figure I'll talk to Sars a little bit about baseball, and tell her that her pretty-boy Yankee boyfriend Derek Jeter couldn't carry Miguel Tejada's jock, which of course sets her off, but then I feel a pinch on my arm, and I turn and Sara M is standing there with a needle and a smirk. And I black out. And I come to sitting in my office, with a videotaped episode of 7th Heaven ready to go in the VCR. And I say, "How'd we get to Africa, Hannibal? I know we didn't take no boat!" ["I love it when a plan comes together." -- Sars]

Sigh. Okay. Let's do this.

RevCam's on the phone talking to a "Mrs. Lahey" and thanking her for some donation, and he suck-uppingly tells her that she's always been so generous with her time and money. And despite RevCam's protests, this "Mrs. Lahey" puts "Jack" on the phone, and I guess this is Mrs. Lahey's son. Simon strolls in, and RevCam actually points to the phone and mouths the words "blah blah blah" and makes the "blah blah blah" gesture with his hand, like what kind of an asshole is RevCam? This woman is a valued donor to his congregation and her reward is insults from RevCam? And he asks the kid to put his mom back on the phone, and we actually hear the kid yell "Mom!" which I guess he did right into the receiver. And then RevCam asks Mrs. Lahey if "Jeff" is all right, even though he definitely just said the kid's name is "Jack," and how sad is it that Stephen Collins can't be bothered to get his lines right and that no one involved with the show seems to give a shit, I mean, why leave this completely unnecessary conversation in? So RevCam tells Mrs. Lahey that her son has a "lively" way of expressing himself, in a tone of voice that indicates that "lively" is the most polite way he can think of to say something else instead, like, say, "little hellion."

After RevCam hangs up, Simon says that he thinks that's (putting kids on the phone) a "mom" thing, because whenever he calls Mary (who?), she always puts little "Charles Miguel" on the phone and he winds up paying long-distance just to hear his nephew breathe. Damn womenfolk! RevCam says Charles Miguel will be talking in no time, which I'm sure he's not looking forward to, because it's as soon as kids talk that they get all lippy, hey, RevCam? Well, not SamVid. Come to think of it, maybe that's why he thinks Jack/Jeff is so lively: the kid didn't talk like someone gave him horse tranquilizers.

So Simon's visit is to say his goodbyes, since he's going back to school. RevCam sighs and says he wishes Simon would acknowledge the bad choices he made in his last year at school, instead of leaving with "a commitment to continue some bad choices." Man, who didn't make some bad choices in college? Fortunately, none of my bad choices even speak to me anymore. Simon breezily says they'll have to agree to disagree, and RevCam wearily agrees with that, but then he says he hopes that when Simon has to face up to the consequences of his bad choices, that he won't let the fact that RevCam is right deter Simon from coming to his father for help. I doubt it, RevCam. I think it'll be your smug, sanctimonious attitude that'll deter him. Simon sort of nods and smiles, but that might be because RevCam whips out the ol' RevChequebook and starts buying back Simon's love. If I were Simon, I'd wait until I had the cheque in my hands before I would start going on about how the only consequences were that he examined his life, and that he's not a bad guy, and that if he continues to do what he's been doing, it'll be for the right reasons. "Like marriage?" says RevCam, hopefully. Idiot. Simon wonders if RevCam really wants Simon to get married when he's only 19. RevCam says no, although the truth is he'd prefer that to Simon having sex. Which is what always annoyed me about the "saving ourselves for marriage" crew at my Catholic high school. Most of them got married straight out of high school. You want to impress me with your abstinence? Hold off until after college and you establish your career, and THEN get married. But don't act all pious about saving yourself when your summer-after-high-school-graduation-marriage more or less proves you just want to get on with the rutting like the rest of us do. RevCam blah blahs about Simon meeting someone he's crazy about, someone whose life complements his, and then after college they get married, and then they have sex. Simon just smiles and takes the cheque and thinks about scoring during Frosh Week. Dude, play some Cat Stevens at the Frosh Week coffeehouse, and your dance card will always be filled.

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7th Heaven

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