7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Cate: D | Grade It Now!

There's an establishing shot of the Crawford Clown College library. Inside, a blonde girl is telling Matt he looks familiar. He tells her she looks familiar too. No shit! The blonde bears a striking resemblance to Chickenhead. I just wish there had been some kind of warning, because I suffer from PCSD (Post Chickenhead Stress Disorder), and the doctor told me that any more exposure to Chickenhead could be deadly. I guess seeing her doppelganger just gave me some nasty flu-like symptoms, though, which would account for the projectile vomiting. I don't know the blonde's name yet, so I'll just call her Chucklehead for now. Chucklehead recognizes Dopey and even knows that he belongs to clan Camden and that he used to date Heather, who is deaf. She purses her lips when she talks about Heather. There's an awkward silence until Dopey says, "So, um, do you wanna take a break and get a cup of..." except he forgets the rest of his line. There's another awkward silence until about four years later, when he remembers that the rest of the line is "coffee." Yay! Good work, Dopey! Chucklehead declines his invitation and then puts her headphones back on. Dopey's not sure what to do here, so he performs a watered-down version of the patented unfunny mugging and flailing-around routine he uses during every one of his "comic" scenes. Eventually the director wakes up and yells "cut." It was way overdue.

Over at the CamKitchen, Ruthie is trying to get the CamRents to let her have a slumber party with her two best friends: Rachel from her new school, and Sarah from her old one. Bet you can't guess where a plotline like that might be headed. Annie says she is too tired to supervise Ruthie's sleepover, but Lucy offers to perform that particular dirty work. The CamRents exchange jaunty, knowing looks as StuporMom says that Lucy doesn't know what she's getting into. Lucy claims it'll go fine, and she sashays off. You know, I almost have to admire the gutsiness of the writers when they treat their foreshadowing with such clumsiness and lack of imagination. It's like they know they're the most-watched show on the WB, so why bother putting any effort into it at all. Bravo, writers! The phone rings; it's Julie, Eric's sister. Damn, I can't believe they didn't warn me about that either. See, I suffer from JAS (Julie Aversion Syndrome), which gets triggered anytime I see Julie or anyone like her -- profusely self-righteous, whiny beyond all human comprehension, utterly humourless. It's a good thing Mr. Cate hid all the masonry we had lying around the apartment, because the main symptom of JAS is an overwhelming desire to toss a brick through one's television set. ["That sounds a lot like DAS (Dawson Aversion Syndrome)." -- Sars] Annie asks Julie what's up, pauses, and then uses that irritating expositionary device of repeating what Julie just said for the benefit of the viewers. Julie has promised Hank that she will help him move his office; hence, she needs a baby-sitter. Without even asking Julie, Annie hands the phone over to Mary, who's all excited about baby-sitting because she needs the cash. Julie says that recently Mary has been "a little unfocused and irresponsible," and that she doesn't want her baby-sitting Erica. Mary says, "Just give me a chance to prove I'm responsible, please?" That's all it takes for Julie to cave. Did she start drinking again? I can't imagine why else her judgment would be so bad, especially since Mary rudely hangs up on her as soon as she gives in. No "thanks," no "goodbye" -- nothing. Ugh. Mary goes on to hassle her parents because she thinks they've been gossiping with Julie over her, although they claim they haven't. Now it's RevCam's turn to hassle Mary about being broke. She rolls her eyes at him and leaves. I'm by no means an expert at parenting, but if your child disses you so badly and you don't do anything about it, that can't be good.

Simon's in his room, getting ready for school, while the ugliest, lamest music in the world plays in the background. Simon looks into a mirror and sprays something onto his hair. I hope it's not more Sun-In. There's a shot of Happy sitting on a chair behind him. When I pause the tape, it looks like she's sniffing Simon's butt. I'll bet someone put her there deliberately for that very reason. Simon continues to play with his hair for a while. He has way more styling products than any one person has a right to own. Unless you have some fetish that makes you enjoy watching clumsy attempts at hair-styling, or you're in love with the actor who plays Simon, this whole scene is an utter waste of film.

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7th Heaven




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