7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Cate: D | Grade It Now!

Oh look, it's two people I'd love to smack super-hard: Hank and Julie. They're nervously walking through their home. They get to the living room and see the two babies on the floor. Julie employs her worst acting ever to scream, "What is going on here?" Mary trots down the stairs to find Hank holding Erica and Julie holding Mercy. "You're home early," says Mary, inanely. Hank asks who the mystery baby belongs to. I'd like to apologize. I know before I said that Julie had employed the worst acting ever. But when I said that I hadn't seen her delivery of this next line. Surely this is the worst acting ever, ever, in the history of the world. Julie holds up the beer bottle and super-dramatically intones, "More importantly, who does this belong to?" A commercial break allows the healing to begin.

After the break, Mary tries to rationalize her stupidity in not just throwing away that one lousy beer bottle. She tells Hank and Julie that "nothing happened" and that Mercy is just her friend's baby, but Julie has a conniption fit anyway. She asks, "Would that be your recently arrested, pot-smoking friend Frankie's baby?" Yes, Julie, that's right. And I've heard rumours that Mercy is already dealing downtown. She does it from her stroller. You know, you can't be too careful in letting your one-year-old hang out with other one-year-olds whose parents are users. They'll turn your kid into a crack baby faster than you can say, "Bite me, Jerry Falwell." It will take them months to undo the damage Mary inflicted upon their daughter by exposing her to Mercy's evil influence. Hank gets the funniest line of all when he says, "How stupid do you think we are?" Julie natters on about underage this and underage that, but she's not doing a whole lot to endear me to her. Mary begs them not to tell the CamRents, and on her way out she tells Hank and Julie that there's no charge for her baby-sitting services. Honestly, it's darn near impossible to find a sympathetic character within ten miles of the Camdens.

The CamRents come home to find Lucy studying at the kitchen table. Wow, just how big a freak is she anyway? She's cleaned, polished furniture, done laundry. She's about to tell them about Simon's earring when Ruthie interrupts to ask who beat up RevCam. Eric seems a little sensitive about that, and he points out that his black eye is just an accident. Simon comes down and shows off his earring. You would think he had just beheaded the entire Royal Family and eaten their livers. Lucy apologizes profusely, and more annoyingly than words can describe.

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7th Heaven




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