7th Heaven
Broken

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Broken

The show starts with a long pan of various members of the CamFam in the living room. They're all staring glumly at Lucy and Robbie. See -- there is something realistic about this show, since I know that staring at Lucy and Robbie tends to bring down the mood in our house too. There are sound effects to suggest that the twins are babbling in the background. What they're saying makes no sense, but that's not much different than the dialogue of anyone else on the show. Hey, wait a second! When did the show's rating change from G to PG? Do the more conservative fans of the show know about this? I sincerely hope some dweeb is starting up a letter-writing campaign to protest this new turn of events. Maybe I'll start up one on my own, as a prank. After a long pause, Lucy cheerfully announces that she and Robbie have something to tell the family. Ruthie steals her thunder by asking, "Is this about you two being together?" Lucy's taken aback that anyone knows about her vile romance with incestuous, serial-Camden-dating Robbie. With varying levels of disgust, each Camden lists the places they have seen the young lovebirds making out. When Dopey says he has seen them by the trashcans, not once but twice, I snort. I've always found it funny when people have really bad wedding photographers who take clichéd shots through heart-shaped lenses, or superimpose a rainbow behind the happy couple's heads. But my favourite pose is when the photographer has the groom kneeling down in front of the bride as if he's proposing, even though she's, you know, already wearing a wedding dress and has even picked up her bridal bouquet. My only regret about having a low-key wedding in New Orleans is that I didn't have a formal photographer to take a shot of my husband and me in that pose -- in front of a dumpster. Still, I think it's kind of sad that Robbie and Lucy have been making out by the garbage cans. I'll leave it to you to make the inevitable "trashy" jokes.

In any case, Robbie is optimistic that since the CamRents already know about the romance and haven't said anything, they are okay with it. He really is dim, isn't he? As Annie and Eric remove the twins from the room, Simon and Dopey leave too, but not before telling the charming couple that they don't give a shit about the romance. Ruthie's not so disinterested, though, as she says, "I'll be ready to date in four years." Then she winks. Oh, ewww! And that gets only a PG rating from the censors? In case you flunked math, writers, in the same way you obviously flunked Creative Writing, Ruthie will still be jailbait in four years. The future tart starts to leave, but then turns back. We get a good look at her annoying pajamas, which have stupid unicorns all over them. I pause the tape to fetch a barf bucket in case she wants to elaborate on her last statement. Fortunately, all she wants to know is whether Robbie and Lucy have told Mary yet. They haven't. Ruthie says that's "interesting," but I beg to disagree.

I'm glad I didn't put away the barf pail, though, when I see the guest star credits and remember that Julie and Hank are scheduled to make an unwelcome appearance this episode. And what's with the names of the other guest stars? This episode has not one, but two, actors named Sami. Golly, what are the odds? While the rest of the opening credits roll, we get to see Robbie and Lucy in her bedroom. They're not doing what you think they're doing -- unless you're some kind of freak who likes to while away the hours playing Rock, Paper, Scissors. No, really -- that's what they're doing! I'm not sure I've ever seen anything quite so weird on network television. Was someone actually paid to choreograph this shit? I like to think that when their hands are off camera, Lucy and Robbie are actually flipping each other the bird. At one point, Lucy choose Scissors, and Robbie chooses Paper. She makes this weird cutting motion on his hand -- perhaps to remind him of the super-complicated rules of the game, in case he forgot. It's kind of pathetic that this looks like the most fun she's ever had. In the end, it turns out there actually was a purpose to the game: Lucy loses, so she must inform Mary of her idiotic pairing with Robbie -- who turns out to be the type of ungracious winner who boorishly gloats over the person he's beaten. Lucy's nervous, but relieved to end all the "sneaking around" and to have the chance "to make it official." To make what official, exactly? "Us, you and me, dating, being a couple, being in love." Love? She's not jumping the gun or anything, is she? Despite Robbie's lackluster reception of Lucy's idea, she is still thrilled about the two of them being a couple -- at least until Robbie leaves the room and she starts to look worried.

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7th Heaven

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