7th Heaven

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Cate: C+ | Grade It Now!

A girl with messy blonde hair and a tight light-blue T-shirt is handing out some papers to Dopey's study group. The camera closes in on her torso. At first it looks like Dopey is staring at her breasts, but I think we're actually supposed to be noticing that she has bruises on her arm. Personally, I think her breasts are so prominent in the shot because it's November sweeps. The girl, Mel, says that she will fetch some snacks from the kitchen, and some guy says he will help her. I guess her hooters must be pretty mesmerizing, because two other guys follow them out of the room. Dopey uses his study time to sit down next to another blonde and stare at her creepily. She moves away from him, disgustedly saying, "I have a boyfriend." Ha! Dopey claims he wants to talk to her about the bruises on Mel's arm. Mel has been saying she got bruised at the gym, and Dopey doesn't believe her. Neither does this other girl, but she doesn't want to get involved in Mel's personal business. Do you think maybe Dopey will get involved, though? Maybe?

Mary arrives at the Colonel's to find Wilson waiting for her. He says he'd wanted to surprise her at the training centre, but he didn't want to see Ben. Ah, so the hunky firefighter does have a name. I'm not sure why Wilson thinks it's such a great idea to surprise Mary. It wasn't exactly a rousing success the last time he dropped by unannounced. She tells him she passed her test, and couldn't have done it without him. Yeah, yeah, we get it already -- women can't do anything without a man's help. Now quit insulting us. Mary apologizes for locking lips with Ben, and wants to know why Wilson hasn't returned her calls. He says he has been too upset, and that he didn't want to talk to her again until he was "calm and rational." Okay, one out of two ain't bad. Actually, he's not that calm either, as he sulkily mentions that he never wants to see Ben again, prompting Mary to say that there's something she must tell him. If you've ever seen a bad sitcom, you'll know that Ben will choose this precise moment to walk into the room. He's calling Mary "Camden," and saying that "the guys are waiting," neither of which suggests a big romance, but of course Wilson is too dim-witted to pick up on that. Acting less mature than his son, Wilson snits, "I hope you two will be very miserable together." Ooh, burn on you, Mary! Well, not really. Wilson storms off and slams the door, while Ben shrugs moronically and Mary does her best to look sad.

After a more-than-welcome commercial break, we get an establishing shot of the Colonel's house, which is covered in at least a couple inches of snow, demonstrating yet again that no one on the show has the foggiest notion of what Buffalo is like. Dude, it's the fucking beginning of November, okay? Even Buffalo is not covered in snow yet. I'll bet if the writers ever were to embark on a fact-finding mission to western New York, the dumb-asses would show up in July with skis on their car roofs. How hard is it to check out weather.com? Mary makes the mistake of going to vile George for advice, which seems to consist of shit like, "Well, this is a fine mess you've gotten yourself into." Ugh -- every time I see him, I'm seized with an almost overwhelming desire to shove his head in a toilet and flush repeatedly. George further demonstrates his lack of brain function by telling Mary that she should do "whatever it takes to get [Wilson] back." The rest of his advice is that Mary should talk to Wilson about the Ben incident. Wow, thanks for nothing, George. Mary acts like she couldn't have thought of this tactic herself. George selfishly adds, "Figure out once and for all if you two belong together, so both of you, and me, can get on with our lives." Um, what life, George?

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7th Heaven




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