Simon and Matt are home. Simon wants Matt to prescribe him some birth control pills, but Matt won't do it because he isn't a real doctor. That, and the fact that he doesn't approve of Simon having premarital sex, so he wants to make it as unsafe for the kid as possible. So Simon calls Matt out on getting married just to have sex, which was awesome, and then the two have a fight, prompting every guy in the CamPound (except for SamVid) to all think that someone is breaking in and wield defensive instruments of varying degrees of ridiculousness, from frying pan (very ridiculous) to gun (not ridiculous). Kevin's insistence on having a gun in the house introduces a plot point that isn't really resolved in this episode, so whatever.
Meanwhile, the women talk about whether or not marrying to have sex is such a great idea. One point against it is Mary, who has some Big Secret that everyone knows about except for the CamRents. For their part, the CamRents suspect that Simon is the one with the Big Secret, it being that his girlfriend is pregnant. The CamRents' suspicions are good enough for all the CamKids, who start talking about Simon and his sinful deeds, while Simon gets lectured at by Martin about the bad effects of premarital sex on the innocent women who apparently lack the ability to make up their own minds about it. In the end, RevCam calls a big family meeting (from which SamVid are absent, as they have probably drowned in the bathtub) and gets to the bottom of everything, including Kevin and Lucy's stupid C-plot about how they're not moving out because Kevin went and sold his house back to the original owners, who are having all sorts of problems now that their evil daughter had evil premarital sex and got pregnant. It turns out that RevCam doesn't know everything, though; he thinks Mary's Big Secret is that she's pregnant, but that was just a lie Simon told him to cover up the truth, which is not revealed to us. We end with the CamSibs agreeing that Mary is the evilest one. All is as it should be.
We open on Kevin and Lucy's mansion. Kevin pulls to the curb, because why would you pull into the driveway of the house you own, and finds an old man hanging out in his front yard. Maybe it's Irving's dad. Kevin introduces himself to the trespasser, providing both his first and last name, and asks him what he wants. The old guy, "Milton Madison," who asks to be called "Milt," but who I'm going to call M&M, because of his initials and because I like the candy, says he was the previous owner of the house, and he's noticed that Kevin has been letting the landscaping go. You might find it rude of someone to offer unsolicited "constructive" criticism like that, but one thing I've learned this week is that it's actually a totally awesome and helpful thing to do, and if the person who is getting the "politely worded" criticism takes exception to it, then that person is just a hypocritical Nazi bitch. Fortunately for him, Kevin is not offended by M&M's remarks, or else he'd have to deal with some increasingly hostile and personal attacks from M&M, who would be completely correct to do so.
Because you usually have to be pretty self-absorbed to think that your personal opinions and criticisms are so important that they must be displayed publicly and often, M&M starts talking about himself. He says he has one child, a daughter named Sally. Her story is quite sad, so try to keep your emotions in check as I relate it to you. Apparently, Sally is a "professional" type of woman who is "more interested in career than family." M&M and his wife finally gave up on their daughter ever settling down, so they decided to move as far away from the Old Maid as they possibly could in the CamVerse -- a condo in Florida. Just to spite them, I think, Sally went and got pregnant -- and, M&M is careful to point out, just got married so everything will be legit. Now he wishes he hadn't sold their house, because he wants to be closer to his soon-to-be grandchild. I'm sure the fact that his condo got destroyed by Hurricane Poetic Justice, rendering him and his wife homeless (since, as we'll see, it's just so goddamn difficult to rent an apartment), had nothing to do with his desire to get his old house back. Kevin does his "I'm thinking now" eye squint.
Simon comes home and is much friendlier to his mother than I would have been after what she pulled last week. The CamRents ask why Simon is coming home so unexpectedly, and Simon says he wanted some "family time." He also wanted someone to do his laundry for him, and Annie is all too happy to oblige, even though last week all she did was bitch about having to do laundry. RevCam quietly remarks that he just wants his kids to live on their own, which is a total lie. But even if it wasn't, Simon's just visiting from school for weekend. He's not quite at the Lucy level of parental dependency. Give him a break. Simon is chagrined to discover that he no longer has a bedroom in the CamPound, but RevCam thinks that could serve as a good excuse for finally getting Lucy and Kevin to move out of the house. His face half-cloaked in darkness even though it's supposed to be sunny outside, Simon says that Matt is supposed to be home this weekend as well, as his "thing" is over. Simon adds that seeing Matt was one of the reasons why he came home. He leaves to put his stuff on the couch. RevCam and Annie are suspicious. Actually, only RevCam is suspicious. Annie just thinks that Simon wants to see Matt because he loves his brother. Which would be a perfectly reasonable assumption, were this a normal family.
The Opening Credits Timewaster has never been more thrilling as Simon sets up the couch for the night. Oh, and it looks like Mr. Barry Watson will be directing tonight's episode. Here's to hoping he does a better job at it than the last cast member to direct! Although I don't think it could be much worse. Simon picks up a phone and calls Annie2. We only hear Simon's side of their conversation, but that's enough to figure out that Annie2 is thrilled to be staying in Simon's apartment while he's gone because she wants to move in with him. Simon says that would be wrong, but not so wrong that they can't spend Sunday night together when he gets back to campus.