7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Cate: D+ | Grade It Now!

I hope the writers aren't planning on using the first scene of the season premiere to set the tone for the rest of the year. We've all seen some pretty boring stuff on this show, it's true, but not many rival this opening scene of RevCam running on a treadmill at the Glenoak Hospital. First we see a shot of his feet. I don't know why he isn't wearing running shoes. Isn't it bad to run on a treadmill in your stocking feet? Heh -- that sounds kind of like "stalking feet." Eric's doctor comes in and comments that he thought Eric would have been dressed by now. RevCam explains that he "felt like running." Maybe he should buy his own treadmill, then, instead of cutting into the appointment time of whoever was supposed to be using this hospital treadmill next. Just a thought. Doc says that Eric's heart is all right, but he suggests that The Good RevCam see a psychologist to deal with his stress. RevCam, who counsels people for a living, refuses even to consider this excellent advice, and rudely walks out the door without even saying goodbye. Doc follows him and tries to get him to talk about his problems, first asking if they have to do with Annie. When RevCam doesn't answer him, Doc proceeds to name off the rest of the CamClan, from oldest to youngest. He rushes through all the names, perhaps realizing that if he listed them at a more leisurely pace, it could take up the entire show, particularly when you add Robbie to the mix. Rarely one to take responsibility for his own actions, RevCam graciously insists that his troubles stem from "all of them." Then he rudely leaves without even saying goodbye. Again.

Oh. It's the new opening credits. There's a shot of RevCam twirling around with a big-ass bouquet of roses. I'm sad to report that he is not wearing a tiara. There's Annie turning her back on Eric in bed. Her hair is longer and straighter and looking good -- though just about anything would be an improvement over the earliest shows, from which I'm still trying to recover. Dopey had an episode or two last season when his hair wasn't dreadfully ugly, but that must just have been some temporary glitch, since it's pretty horrendous again. His short, greasy locks look like they haven't seen the business end of a comb since the Reagan administration, and he's got these strange tufts of hair sticking out from the back of his head. They remind me of the fur tufts that our rabbit, Mr. Sir Pet-A-Lot, gets around his tail, where he can't quite reach to groom properly. We have to pluck them off so that he won't swallow them and end up with gastric hairballs. The idea of Dopey hocking up a hairball brightens my spirits perceptibly. Simon is looking a lot older than he did at the end of last season, and someone had the good sense to comb his bangs down to partially camouflage the black caterpillars nesting on his brow. His scraggly mullet could hardly be described as "beautiful," though. In fact -- if we're being honest -- one couldn't even describe it as "non-repulsive." Newly blonde Mary just smiles a lot and looks pretty. It would be nice if she didn't open her mouth this season. Lucy looks good too. Apparently, she's finally given up the zigzag hair part, which is wise, though someone needs to tell her that a dead-centre hatchet part doesn't do much for anyone. How embarrassing for Adam LaVorgna to be sandwiched in between Ruthie and the twins in the credits. At least Happy gets to be shown last. That's sort of an honour. I guess.

After the commercial break, we see RevCam walking to the CamPound. He looks all weirdly tense, and the back door of the house is shot in a really eerie style. If it weren't for the happy-crappy background music, I'd think RevCam was walking into a horror movie. Which, when you think about it, he kind of is. Ruthie arrives in the kitchen to provide some clunky exposition. She says that Annie is napping and has been "eating all sorts of weird stuff," just like she did when she was pregnant. Gee, that sounds like a great storyline. Lucy is morose and has not even unpacked since she returned from New York. But wait -- I thought she was supposed to be marrying that dreamy guy with whom she fell madly in love over the course of two episodes last season. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's completely unsurprised to see that Dreamy Guy is nowhere to be found. RevCam mentions Mary, just as Robbie walks into the kitchen. Ruthie derisively refers to Mary as "Mrs. Wilson West," which causes Robbie to break out into sobbing that is so fake, I'm convinced he's playing it for laughs. It made me laugh, anyway. Ruthie informs her father that SuperMom wants him to take all the kids out for dinner. RevCam leaves to stalk Simon.

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7th Heaven




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