7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Cate: D+ | Grade It Now!

Annie storms off once more, and Ruthie walks into the kitchen. She says, "The cycle of life. Ain't it grand?" Oh, shut up, Ruthie. RevCam asks her if she was listening in on a private conversation, but he doesn't punish her for it. How could he, when he's the master eavesdropper himself? Not that inconsistency or hypocrisy have ever held him back before.

When Lucy and Robbie come into the kitchen, RevCam sends Ruthie upstairs so he can talk to the others privately. He tells them he doesn't want to see them turn to each other while they're both on the rebound. It's not bad advice, even if it comes from RevCam. Unfortunately, he has to explain it a few times until Robbie gets it. Lucy just rudely rolls her eyes a lot.

The next losers to arrive in the Court of RevCam are Dopey and Simon. Dopey caught his brother hitchhiking, and now he wants RevCam to punish him. Dopey has to get back to the clinic, but before he goes, he hands RevCam a brown bag with something square inside. He says he brought it from the clinic. I'll bet it's not condoms. Dopey surmises that Annie is going through menopause, even though he hasn't graduated to saying the word out loud yet. He promises to bring home some brochures, though.

After Dopey's departure, RevCam informs Simon that he cannot get his learner's permit until January. I'm just glad that spares us having to watch any wacky driving hijinks for a few months yet. RevCam goes on to further punish Simon by refusing to allow him to drop phys ed. Okay, that's just nasty. I'm not arguing against punishment for hitchhiking, but to penalize a person by forcing him to stay in something as useless as high school phys ed is cruel. RevCam goes on to share some of his views on being a man. Actually, he shares many, many of his views on being a man -- far more than I ever needed to hear. Apparently, one of his views on being a man is that Simon must run his life exactly as RevCam tells him to. That sure makes me glad I'm not a man.

Exit Simon, enter Ruthie. She tries to pull a prank on her father by telling him he has to take her bra-shopping. When he gets over that shock, she informs him that she's not planning on wearing a bra, ever. And why should I care about this? Oh wait -- I don't. I would promise to pretend to care, though, if the writers promised never, ever to defile a good song like "Changes." What's that? Ruthie's already singing "Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes" again? Damn, that's cold. Where would a brat like that even hear a David Bowie song?

The moody, crazy, menopausal woman is upstairs in her bedroom, crying. When RevCam walks in, she showers him with words of love, even though she'd been yelling at him a few hours ago. See, it's because she's moody and crazy and menopausal. RevCam fills her in on Mary's foray into the field of law enforcement. They both seem pleased that the Colonel and Slack-Jaw "won't let that happen." Now let's have a big hand for the wise patriarchs! Anyone? Anyone? The CamRents discuss their boring family a few minutes longer, until Annie notices that RevCam is holding the package Dopey brought home from the clinic. She grabs it and takes out the pregnancy test, then gets upset. I can't tell whether she's supposed to be sad or angry or what. RevCam tries to reassure her that "everything's gonna be all right." She runs out of the room, shrieking, "We don't know that. All we know is that everything is going to change!" By the time she gets to "change," her voice has gone up about an octave and she practically screams out the word. You know, because maybe we forgot what this episode is called. RevCam lies down to monitor his pulse. And just because this entire episode has not been vile enough, the writers have to get that last little dig in there by finally, irrevocably ruining one of David Bowie's better songs for me. As RevCam tunelessly sings, "Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes," I go off into the corner and cry quietly. After all, I wouldn't want the Colonel to hear and call me a sissy.

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7th Heaven




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